Well, I feel pretty blissfully.
I'm completely alone again. As you all know, I had one man I was using for his hands and another I was using for his kindness. Both have disappeared. Chet is one I could really care less about losing. I think he realized I was completely distant and emotionless and that I wasn't worth his time. And just as a disclosure: Please, stop reading now if you don't want to lose what respect you have for me.
But, oh, Stephen. I realized that the friendship was one-sided and, stupidly and uncharacteristically, wrote him a letter describing to him just that, also letting him know that I did have feelings for him. I just needed to know where I stood and I needed him to be honest with me and tell me if he really even cared about being friends with me or if I was wasting my time. He wrote me back and told me he'd like to be friends with me, if I could deal with him and his busy schedule. God damn. I would have put up with him and his busy schedule for a fucking eternity. I barely even know him, but Jesus fucking Christ, that millisecond in time that we were hanging out, I felt again. I felt something amazing and beautiful and innocent and uninhibited. I didn't give a shit about the past or anything I had toughened myself up against. I trusted him with what little trust I had left in my stone covered heart. He was... fuck... he was like no one I had ever met in my life. He took everything I knew about all the men I ever met or was involved with and slammed it back in my face. I know I've only lived a short piece of my life and there are billions of other humans on this Earth, but I'm hurting pretty bad right now.
Needless to say, after he told me that he'd like to remain friends with me, he disappeared. I wasn't ready for this. Any of this shit. I didn't want to feel that way for someone yet. I didn't want a fucking rebound, which is what I certainly thought any relationship I was going to have would be. I mean, fuck, Sean and I broke up like 3 months ago. Maybe it did just happen to hammer in the truth one more time that I cannot trust anyone. I just needed it hammered in by a shinier, newer, less obviously emotionally fucked up nail.
What sucks the most is that I didn't even have enough time to figure out that he really was an asshole. So, in my stupid little head, I'm still giving him the benefit of the doubt. No one gets the benefit of the doubt from me. Why? Why am I still thinking something terrible must have happened to him? Why am I still thinking that maybe some of his firefighter buddies convinced him that it was bad news to remain friends with a girl that likes you? Why am I still thinking that maybe, just maybe he lost his cell phone?
Regardless, I give up. The used is now going to be the user. I'm done dating assholes off the fucking internet. There is a reason they are there, but then I also went to the internet to find guys that weren't all the assholes that I found at parties. I don't want a fucking connection. I don't want love. I am fucking dead inside. Return of the emotionless party girl is here.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Karma
Oh how quickly we forget...
Lauren's always telling me that something awesome is going to happen to me because I have such good karma, because I am always trying to help people. For a moment there I thought, "Damn, I am a pretty good person. I should have something nice coming for me pretty soon."
But then I checked my stupid Truth Box on Myspace today. I installed that stupid application because I wanted to feel warm and happy, because I saw all the sweet comments Bibi got on there. Of course, mine is filled with "ur ugly"s and "u look like a dude"s and an "i hate u for what u did u dumb bitch." How quickly one can forget that she treated everyone like shit once upon a time.
I'll make a real post once I kick this depression bullshit out of my head. I need to fix myself... again.
Lauren's always telling me that something awesome is going to happen to me because I have such good karma, because I am always trying to help people. For a moment there I thought, "Damn, I am a pretty good person. I should have something nice coming for me pretty soon."
But then I checked my stupid Truth Box on Myspace today. I installed that stupid application because I wanted to feel warm and happy, because I saw all the sweet comments Bibi got on there. Of course, mine is filled with "ur ugly"s and "u look like a dude"s and an "i hate u for what u did u dumb bitch." How quickly one can forget that she treated everyone like shit once upon a time.
I'll make a real post once I kick this depression bullshit out of my head. I need to fix myself... again.
Friday, August 8, 2008
All Hands Quarterly Meeting
Yesterday was the quarterly company-wide meeting at Alamo Drafthouse, called All Hands. It started at 8AM and I haven't gotten up before 10AM the past couple of weeks to go to work, since I've been working on the CEO's photos and trying to have a social life which keeps me up all night long. Anyways, as if by some miracle of baby Jesus, I woke up yesterday. I get there and there are free breakfast tacos and whatever the hell you want to order from Alamo is on the house. The meeting is from 8-3:30 though, which is looooonng. All the departments make funny videos or wear costumes or act out skits to go along with their powerpoints. Most departments highlight all the new members of their department, their growth, what they've been up too, what their goals in the future are, thank people from other departments, etc etc etc.
After sitting through quite a few departments talk about their people, it was finally time for the marketing department to get up there and strut their shit. Except all they talked about was the Social Commerce Summit and the product management team. The design team, evidently, doesn't exist. Sam, the CMO, went through at the beginning and mentioned the three newest people in the department, assuming everyone had already met the rest. Well, thanks a lot, dickweed. I would just like the tiniest bit of recognition.
Not only were the designers not mentioned by our own department, NO ONE else mentioned us. Sales, where would you be without sales mockups? Implementation, you obviously have a low staff issue. How would you like to take on all the initial stylings we do for you? And god forbid, you'd all have to learn to use Photoshop to make your own graphics and buttons instead of dumping it all on Litsa and I. Recruiting, it is not by some divine miracle that the jobs get posted on the website. Brett, how in the hell does a high tech company run without a website?
Moral of the story is that we are fucking underappreciated and it puts me in a grumpy mood. ): I'm also obsessed with Jeff Buckley right now, which does not put me in a grumpy mood, but it does make me feel sentimental or bluesy. I love Jeff Buckley. <3
After sitting through quite a few departments talk about their people, it was finally time for the marketing department to get up there and strut their shit. Except all they talked about was the Social Commerce Summit and the product management team. The design team, evidently, doesn't exist. Sam, the CMO, went through at the beginning and mentioned the three newest people in the department, assuming everyone had already met the rest. Well, thanks a lot, dickweed. I would just like the tiniest bit of recognition.
Not only were the designers not mentioned by our own department, NO ONE else mentioned us. Sales, where would you be without sales mockups? Implementation, you obviously have a low staff issue. How would you like to take on all the initial stylings we do for you? And god forbid, you'd all have to learn to use Photoshop to make your own graphics and buttons instead of dumping it all on Litsa and I. Recruiting, it is not by some divine miracle that the jobs get posted on the website. Brett, how in the hell does a high tech company run without a website?
Moral of the story is that we are fucking underappreciated and it puts me in a grumpy mood. ): I'm also obsessed with Jeff Buckley right now, which does not put me in a grumpy mood, but it does make me feel sentimental or bluesy. I love Jeff Buckley. <3
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Week 13: In Review
The drama llama has made a stop in my village. Well, it's not that there is actual drama, just internal conflict that might turn into drama if I don't watch out for myself. So I met this guy named Chet, who is a lanky, squirrely guy that went to college in Montreal. I met him off the dating website. We originally planned to be normal and hang out tonight, but Monday night he go too drunk to ride his bike home from work so I, nicely, went to pick him up. He gets off work at 2am because he DJs at a strip club. I took him home. We hung out in his backyard and chit chatted a bit. We ended up making out and moving it into his bedroom. No, I didn't fuck him. But, he did know how to do some shit that was the most intense thing I have ever felt in my life. I was literally suspended in an orgasm for like 10 minutes and never got the fuck off. Anyways. Good fun. He didn't kick my ass out afterwards either, so I had my first sleep over at a guy's house experience.
By Tuesday, I was wondering why Stephen just dropped off the face of the Earth after we couldn't hang out on Sunday, so I texted him and asked just that. I immediately got a call back from a very somber, quiet Stephen. I asked him what was wrong and after a little bit of talking got him to tell me what was up. The poor boy witnessed his first DOA where some dude got burned alive in his car. I talked with him a little bit about it and had a really sinking, selfish feeling in my stomach afterwards. Blegh.
Right after this happened, Chet booty texts me. I think a transcript is in order so you can all get the full effect:
Chet: "I have to work 2marrow, but want to come by and do a repeat of last night? Except earlier bedtime haha"
Me: "Tonight? Or tomorrow?"
Chet: "Tonight babe"
Me: "I'd have to be short if i and [went] over tonight. I have to finish this work for tomorrow. Could we get together tomorrow after the movie?"
Me: "Herro?"
Chet: "Whoops i didn't know we were planned 4 wed, i told my friend yes 4 friday, sorry!"
Me: "No no i meant after i get out of the movie. I remembered you were seeing it on friday."
Chet: "My one chance to sleep! I just had a panic attack, need to go to sleep asap! bike ride takes like 2 hours too :("
Me: "Are you going to be ok? Can you ride to a bus stop or something?"
Chet: "Nothing is running, i will taxi in the am i guess, i'm going to die! I wish i could sleep outside"
Me: "What is wrong? Why are you panicking?"
Chet: "Lack of sleep gives me panic attacks, i need to sleep!
Me: "I'll come get you. But i cannot stay because i have work to do."
So anyways. Moral of the story is that I'm too nice and he's a probs a basketcase. Oh, but it gets better. On my way to go get him I stopped to get gas and found out that I had a nail in the tire of my rental car. I slowly make my way down to the strip club to pick him up out in the middle of BFE at 1AM and give him a call. He answers and, of course, sounds perfectly fine and also tells me that he thought I knew that he got off at 2. I now have an hour to waste at a stupid strip club out in BFE and a nail in my tire, so I call AAA to come visit me and change my tire. That took them like 5 seconds and then I just passed out until Chet got off work at 2:30AM. I quickly went to drop him off at his house listening to the soundtrack of all the sorries, babes, thank yous and I'll make this up to yous in the universe on repeat in my right ear. We made out in my car for a little bit and then he took his happy ass inside. He i.m.ed me later saying, "Your niceness is unsurpassed." My reply was, "It's my fatal flaw."
This all worried me though. Boys do not call. Boys do not want to hang out. Boys do not call me babe. I thought he was looking for something serious, and I definitely could not see it going there with him and I didn't want him to get hurt. Evidently, Chet just plays by a completely different set of rules. We were chatting last night and he randomly goes, "I just wanted to let you know (nothing about you) that I'm not looking for anything serious right now." I replied with, "Thank god." Yet, he continued to go on justifying himself as if I actually cared. That was kind of funny. I got to explain to him exactly who he was dealing with and that he didn't have to worry about my ass getting clingy. That took a lot of worrying off my shoulders.
As far as the things that this summer of change blog is normally about, currently I haven't been to the gym in a week, nor have I slept, and my apartment is completely trashed. I need to do some cleansing this weekend and refocus.
By Tuesday, I was wondering why Stephen just dropped off the face of the Earth after we couldn't hang out on Sunday, so I texted him and asked just that. I immediately got a call back from a very somber, quiet Stephen. I asked him what was wrong and after a little bit of talking got him to tell me what was up. The poor boy witnessed his first DOA where some dude got burned alive in his car. I talked with him a little bit about it and had a really sinking, selfish feeling in my stomach afterwards. Blegh.
Right after this happened, Chet booty texts me. I think a transcript is in order so you can all get the full effect:
Chet: "I have to work 2marrow, but want to come by and do a repeat of last night? Except earlier bedtime haha"
Me: "Tonight? Or tomorrow?"
Chet: "Tonight babe"
Me: "I'd have to be short if i and [went] over tonight. I have to finish this work for tomorrow. Could we get together tomorrow after the movie?"
Me: "Herro?"
Chet: "Whoops i didn't know we were planned 4 wed, i told my friend yes 4 friday, sorry!"
Me: "No no i meant after i get out of the movie. I remembered you were seeing it on friday."
Chet: "My one chance to sleep! I just had a panic attack, need to go to sleep asap! bike ride takes like 2 hours too :("
Me: "Are you going to be ok? Can you ride to a bus stop or something?"
Chet: "Nothing is running, i will taxi in the am i guess, i'm going to die! I wish i could sleep outside"
Me: "What is wrong? Why are you panicking?"
Chet: "Lack of sleep gives me panic attacks, i need to sleep!
Me: "I'll come get you. But i cannot stay because i have work to do."
So anyways. Moral of the story is that I'm too nice and he's a probs a basketcase. Oh, but it gets better. On my way to go get him I stopped to get gas and found out that I had a nail in the tire of my rental car. I slowly make my way down to the strip club to pick him up out in the middle of BFE at 1AM and give him a call. He answers and, of course, sounds perfectly fine and also tells me that he thought I knew that he got off at 2. I now have an hour to waste at a stupid strip club out in BFE and a nail in my tire, so I call AAA to come visit me and change my tire. That took them like 5 seconds and then I just passed out until Chet got off work at 2:30AM. I quickly went to drop him off at his house listening to the soundtrack of all the sorries, babes, thank yous and I'll make this up to yous in the universe on repeat in my right ear. We made out in my car for a little bit and then he took his happy ass inside. He i.m.ed me later saying, "Your niceness is unsurpassed." My reply was, "It's my fatal flaw."
This all worried me though. Boys do not call. Boys do not want to hang out. Boys do not call me babe. I thought he was looking for something serious, and I definitely could not see it going there with him and I didn't want him to get hurt. Evidently, Chet just plays by a completely different set of rules. We were chatting last night and he randomly goes, "I just wanted to let you know (nothing about you) that I'm not looking for anything serious right now." I replied with, "Thank god." Yet, he continued to go on justifying himself as if I actually cared. That was kind of funny. I got to explain to him exactly who he was dealing with and that he didn't have to worry about my ass getting clingy. That took a lot of worrying off my shoulders.
As far as the things that this summer of change blog is normally about, currently I haven't been to the gym in a week, nor have I slept, and my apartment is completely trashed. I need to do some cleansing this weekend and refocus.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Week 12 and E'rythang Else: In Review
HO. LY. SHIT.
Slacking much we have been. This past month has flown by like a damn whirlwind and that is all I have felt the entire time. I've been pulled and pushed in so many different directions. I haven't spent one weekend to myself all month long. It's a little intense. Whew... Let me guide you through my adventures and mishaps.
Don't DIAF, TIA:
My first section will pertain to a fellow I have met on the internet. He messaged me soon after the incident with Mr. Douchebag McGee and I was just like, "Ugh, fucking sexy ass beefcake firefighter, but probably a fucking clamhat-seeking douchewad." I promptly made my profile as bitter as possible and posted a picture showing the universe just how big my ass really is. And he still messaged me. Then I decided he was probably dumb as shit and after making out with him, I would just cast him aside. Then we talked on the phone... and it was semi awkward, so I thought "That's it. He's totally not going to want to talk to me again." And he still messaged me. So I talked with him on the phone the next night about cars and how mine had a tail light busted out. He offered to come over and fix it, if I didn't think that was crazy. I didn't so he came over and we had a fabulous trip to Wal-mart... because I am that kind of classy. He was actually cool and knew how to fix everything in the universe. Anyways, so after he saw me IRL i expected that to be the end of it... but, noooo, he messaged me when he got home. So then I invited him to the 90s Alternative Sing Along with some of my peeps...
90s Alternative Sing-Along:
What gives me a GIANT RAGING LADYBONER? Oh yeah, 90s alternative music. This was originally going to be an "invite all my friends/ try to get into the pants of the Smashing Pumpkins-obsessed British fellow I work with" night. Then I decided that Al, the Brit, was flaky and only liked miniature blonde people, so I didn't give a shit about him anymore. I invited Stephen, the firefighter, because in his first message to me he told me he had the Smashing Pumpkins heart logo tattooed in the middle of his back. So obvs, he's a 90s alt fan. So Lauren, Bibi, Patrick, Stephen and I all headed out to the Alamo Drafthouse for a fun night of awesomeness. They played two Smashing Pumpkins songs! And Stephen wanted to go up and dance on stage for Blind Melon so all my friends got on stage and we all danced our asses off and it was sooooo fun. It was truly a fucking awesome night. At the end of it Lauren and Stephen and I went back to my place and Lauren promptly left with Stephen soon after, leaving me with a hug and thoughts that maybe we are just friends.
Enter Del Rio:
After all those shenanigans, I drove to Del Rio to visit my favorite Eva. We had some girly times the first night and the second night was made of crazy. We went to Mexico and got beyond shitfaced. At one point in time we were in a bar and Eva was kissing on this dude that she was with and then we started making out. Definitely an experience. haha. We went back to Del Rio that night and I promptly went into Eva's bedroom and passed the fuck out, only to wake up a while later making out with someone and being groped. My immediate reaction was not what most people's would be. I was all into it and made out with him all the while groping in the dark trying to figure out who in the hell I was making out with. When he asked me if I had a condom, I immediately declined, because though I am slutty enough to make out with a faceless, nameless stranger in the dark, I am still a virgin... barely. I then asked him his name and found out it was just some guy I had never met before. We messed around a little bit more and he left when it was still dark so I didn't know what he looked like until I looked him up on facebook the next morning. He was definitely not someone I would have picked out of a room of people to mess around with, but he was decent. I didn't throw up in my mouth or anything about it.
Everyone Come to Austin! Wait... WHOA:
So the next weekend, everyone came to visit. I, for one, was super excited... until I realized that all hell was breaking loose and I had to show all these people (including an unexpected Mikey) around town and had to keep Patrick and Brandon off Eva's nuts and omgholyshitfuckwhat STREEESSSSSSSSSS. So the night that everyone got down here I ended up having a slight breakdown. After that, I was ok and everything was good. I was just a little stressed that first night. Something did come out of that crazy ass visit, but I'll touch on that in a bit.
Home Sweet Home:
Last weekend was spent in the lovely town of Huffman with my sister and our buddy Dave Green. I got retarded every night. Personally, I think we had a really fun visit. I ended up staying an extra night to hang out and have fun. Nothing really, really exciting happened except in my altered state I learned how to walk like I didn't have any legs and scared the shit out of my sister. I love her. (:
When a Man and Woman Love Each Other Very Much:
THEY GET COMMITTED ALL OVER THE GOD DAMN PLACE. Holy Christ on lollerskates. My old roommate Amy got engaged. Lauren is in a relationship... or a fucklationship... or an awesomedates+sexlationship. As a result of that weekend in Austin, Eva and Brandon are hanging out somewhere off the market. Jenna has chosen monogamy over threesomes. The dynamic is shifting. More and more I notice that my friends are becoming more willing to commit and be monogamous and I keep noticing that I am friends with a lot more married/engaged people. Is it really that time in my life? Guess, I missed the commitment train when it bulleted past me. More like I was on it for five seconds and then was like "WTF I have no ticket!" and got tossed off. But god damn did that little ride teach me some things. I've completely gotten over any feelings I had for Sean. We are friends now and I see him as a brother. As much love as we shared, we cannot communicate and anything between us cannot work out. I feel like the reason he stepped into my romantic life briefly was to teach me some things:
Coming up:
Ah yes. What's coming up? I've got a camping trip planned out this weekend with Eva, Brandon, Patrick, Lauren, and hopefully my little sister. I also may or may not (third time's a charm?) go hot tubbing with Stephen on Thursday. I also chatted with him the last night about pr0n and fetishes. I don't really know what's up with that. But god damn it next weekend I am refinishing my coffee table and going to the lake or something. I need some me time.
Slacking much we have been. This past month has flown by like a damn whirlwind and that is all I have felt the entire time. I've been pulled and pushed in so many different directions. I haven't spent one weekend to myself all month long. It's a little intense. Whew... Let me guide you through my adventures and mishaps.
Don't DIAF, TIA:
My first section will pertain to a fellow I have met on the internet. He messaged me soon after the incident with Mr. Douchebag McGee and I was just like, "Ugh, fucking sexy ass beefcake firefighter, but probably a fucking clamhat-seeking douchewad." I promptly made my profile as bitter as possible and posted a picture showing the universe just how big my ass really is. And he still messaged me. Then I decided he was probably dumb as shit and after making out with him, I would just cast him aside. Then we talked on the phone... and it was semi awkward, so I thought "That's it. He's totally not going to want to talk to me again." And he still messaged me. So I talked with him on the phone the next night about cars and how mine had a tail light busted out. He offered to come over and fix it, if I didn't think that was crazy. I didn't so he came over and we had a fabulous trip to Wal-mart... because I am that kind of classy. He was actually cool and knew how to fix everything in the universe. Anyways, so after he saw me IRL i expected that to be the end of it... but, noooo, he messaged me when he got home. So then I invited him to the 90s Alternative Sing Along with some of my peeps...
90s Alternative Sing-Along:
What gives me a GIANT RAGING LADYBONER? Oh yeah, 90s alternative music. This was originally going to be an "invite all my friends/ try to get into the pants of the Smashing Pumpkins-obsessed British fellow I work with" night. Then I decided that Al, the Brit, was flaky and only liked miniature blonde people, so I didn't give a shit about him anymore. I invited Stephen, the firefighter, because in his first message to me he told me he had the Smashing Pumpkins heart logo tattooed in the middle of his back. So obvs, he's a 90s alt fan. So Lauren, Bibi, Patrick, Stephen and I all headed out to the Alamo Drafthouse for a fun night of awesomeness. They played two Smashing Pumpkins songs! And Stephen wanted to go up and dance on stage for Blind Melon so all my friends got on stage and we all danced our asses off and it was sooooo fun. It was truly a fucking awesome night. At the end of it Lauren and Stephen and I went back to my place and Lauren promptly left with Stephen soon after, leaving me with a hug and thoughts that maybe we are just friends.
Enter Del Rio:
After all those shenanigans, I drove to Del Rio to visit my favorite Eva. We had some girly times the first night and the second night was made of crazy. We went to Mexico and got beyond shitfaced. At one point in time we were in a bar and Eva was kissing on this dude that she was with and then we started making out. Definitely an experience. haha. We went back to Del Rio that night and I promptly went into Eva's bedroom and passed the fuck out, only to wake up a while later making out with someone and being groped. My immediate reaction was not what most people's would be. I was all into it and made out with him all the while groping in the dark trying to figure out who in the hell I was making out with. When he asked me if I had a condom, I immediately declined, because though I am slutty enough to make out with a faceless, nameless stranger in the dark, I am still a virgin... barely. I then asked him his name and found out it was just some guy I had never met before. We messed around a little bit more and he left when it was still dark so I didn't know what he looked like until I looked him up on facebook the next morning. He was definitely not someone I would have picked out of a room of people to mess around with, but he was decent. I didn't throw up in my mouth or anything about it.
Everyone Come to Austin! Wait... WHOA:
So the next weekend, everyone came to visit. I, for one, was super excited... until I realized that all hell was breaking loose and I had to show all these people (including an unexpected Mikey) around town and had to keep Patrick and Brandon off Eva's nuts and omgholyshitfuckwhat STREEESSSSSSSSSS. So the night that everyone got down here I ended up having a slight breakdown. After that, I was ok and everything was good. I was just a little stressed that first night. Something did come out of that crazy ass visit, but I'll touch on that in a bit.
Home Sweet Home:
Last weekend was spent in the lovely town of Huffman with my sister and our buddy Dave Green. I got retarded every night. Personally, I think we had a really fun visit. I ended up staying an extra night to hang out and have fun. Nothing really, really exciting happened except in my altered state I learned how to walk like I didn't have any legs and scared the shit out of my sister. I love her. (:
When a Man and Woman Love Each Other Very Much:
THEY GET COMMITTED ALL OVER THE GOD DAMN PLACE. Holy Christ on lollerskates. My old roommate Amy got engaged. Lauren is in a relationship... or a fucklationship... or an awesomedates+sexlationship. As a result of that weekend in Austin, Eva and Brandon are hanging out somewhere off the market. Jenna has chosen monogamy over threesomes. The dynamic is shifting. More and more I notice that my friends are becoming more willing to commit and be monogamous and I keep noticing that I am friends with a lot more married/engaged people. Is it really that time in my life? Guess, I missed the commitment train when it bulleted past me. More like I was on it for five seconds and then was like "WTF I have no ticket!" and got tossed off. But god damn did that little ride teach me some things. I've completely gotten over any feelings I had for Sean. We are friends now and I see him as a brother. As much love as we shared, we cannot communicate and anything between us cannot work out. I feel like the reason he stepped into my romantic life briefly was to teach me some things:
- I can do better than the guys I was biding my time with before him.
- I proved that I can stand up for myself and my independence even when I am caught up in love.
- I realized that I was not treating my body or my life how it should be treated.
- I finally got closure on that chapter of my life.
- And it got me to start actively dating again.
Coming up:
Ah yes. What's coming up? I've got a camping trip planned out this weekend with Eva, Brandon, Patrick, Lauren, and hopefully my little sister. I also may or may not (third time's a charm?) go hot tubbing with Stephen on Thursday. I also chatted with him the last night about pr0n and fetishes. I don't really know what's up with that. But god damn it next weekend I am refinishing my coffee table and going to the lake or something. I need some me time.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Dreams
The other day, I took a nap while skipping boxing. In this dream, I was in a library and I ran into my friend Bubba. Bubba has been dead for almost 4 years now. In my dream, he told me he's been living in Austin for the past three years and does bike repair. In my dream, I had to explain to someone with me, who was wondering why I was freaking out, that he was my friend that I thought had died 4 years ago. When my alarm went off, I shot out of bed and felt really, really weird and unsettled. The only other dream I have ever had about Bubba was a couple of months after he died. Bibi said it is his way of visiting me. Eva says it is my subconscious telling me that he's always been with me. I don't interpret dreams, but I feel like it was just a reminder that I need to live my life for myself and my own happiness, because it's the only one I have. I feel like it was also something to give me a little extra strength at this crazy time in my life.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Week Six and Seven: In Review
I feel like I have been riding a slow and steady boat to insanity. My weight has stagnated at 236. I've had a few thoughts of driving my car off something high, that have been a tad bit more than the usual, "OMG what if?" I've had a very strong desire to just go out into the woods and live in recluse for a little while and not have to deal with the bullshit that is my everyday life. I blacked out the other night having a panic attack thinking about all of this shit going on in my head. I feel like what once was progress has now been thrown into a rapid regression. Let me elaborate.
The Problem:
On the outside, I must say, I put together a pretty good suit for me to don in front of the public. Hell, it's so good and believable I fool myself. Calm, cool, collected. Everything is fine with little ol' me. I'm working and staying busy. Going on dates and making new friends. Oh, and all that that happened with Sean? Just a little hiccup in my life. Didn't affect me at all! Why would it? That would just be silly and irrational. Don't worry about me.
I am not sure whether it is the fact that I have gotten so ridiculously good about hiding my emotion or whether my friends don't want to ask about it because they don't want to upset me or whether it's just that they don't recognize, through all the shit that is going on with themselves, that this boy that I assumed I would end up marrying... this boy that was the only male in the entire universe that existed to me... this boy that gave my stone heart a couple of pumps of life dumping me like a worthless whore might have been a little fucking traumatizing. Is it too much to ask yourselves how many times you've seen Samantha Jean Soper not be a completely cynical, bitter, man-hating bitch? How many times have you seen her show real love for the opposite sex? The answer is once, people. And something that could evoke that insane amount of change had to be pretty fucking prolific, am I right? And it's completely normal for her to just go from having that hope that she might fucking be able to feel something for another human ripped out from under her feet to being completely normal and ok, right? Yeah, that is completely fucking logical. Everyone I've ever met acts like nothing happened after they get dumped. I've never had to calm or hold or hug or vent or talk any of you out of the insanity of a breakup or a big fight with your significant other or bouts of depression or jealousy or feelings that your life is falling apart... because everyone always acts like nothing is happening. And that right there, my friends, is called bullshit.
The truth is I don't know how to freak out. I don't know how to show people that I am not doing ok. I don't know how to not feel like I am burdening everyone with my problems because they all have their own. This is me reaching out. I just want someone to fucking recognize that something fucking happened to me and simply ask me if I'm doing ok. I am not a proactive bitcher and moaner. I put a pretty, nice, happy face forward and hope that it hides (and it usually does) the fact that I am crumbling to bits inside from everyone... even myself.
But such is not the reality of my situation. Therefore, I've been wanting to runaway. I wanted to go camping alone this weekend to shut everyone and everything out of my life so I could concentrate on myself. That didn't happen though, because my family flipped out saying I couldn't go alone and then Todd and Kristin did some research and found out that we probably wouldn't be able to get a spot anyways. My weekend instead consisted of helping Bibi move in and restringing my guitars to sell them. I did go to the lake today, alone, and had some epiphanies.
The Epiphanies:
It was the perfect way to spend a lonely Sunday afternoon. I spent most of my time at the lake swimming around, basking in the sun, and reading. I got Susan Powter's book Politics of Stupid a couple of weeks ago in hopes that it would give me some motivation. It was perfect to read today and brought some light to my current issues.
"If someone you love is unwell, what do you do?"
That shit right there sums everything up, but not in the way that you would think. When someone I love is unwell, I do everything in my power to try to help them, remedy their situation, get them through it, sometimes to a fault. In my help, I have said this to all of my friends a billion times over. You have to put yourself first and love yourself more than any other. Yet, what am I doing. Ignoring the fact that I am the person that I love that needs fucking help right now. It doesn't matter how many times I've said it to other people, this was the first thing I forgot when I was in need of it. I need to stop dealing with everyone else's shit and put my own shit first. Trade my habitual selflessness for a little bit of selfishness just to get myself through this slump. Just a warning to everyone. I may seem a little reclusive the next few weeks, but it's all just to get my normal self back.
The second epiphany is that my weight has stagnated because I only exercise three times a week. My original plan was to do it a lot more, but doing it three times a week was working... for a little bit. What was actually working was the fact that I went from consuming tons of shit and being completely immobile to working out and eating healthy. My body has gotten used to it though, so it's time to step it up a notch. I need to start working out two more days a week. That's all it takes. Just two little days and things with my body will move foward again. And I can definitely do that.
My Goals:
Since setting goals tends to help me out a lot, here they are.
The Problem:
On the outside, I must say, I put together a pretty good suit for me to don in front of the public. Hell, it's so good and believable I fool myself. Calm, cool, collected. Everything is fine with little ol' me. I'm working and staying busy. Going on dates and making new friends. Oh, and all that that happened with Sean? Just a little hiccup in my life. Didn't affect me at all! Why would it? That would just be silly and irrational. Don't worry about me.
I am not sure whether it is the fact that I have gotten so ridiculously good about hiding my emotion or whether my friends don't want to ask about it because they don't want to upset me or whether it's just that they don't recognize, through all the shit that is going on with themselves, that this boy that I assumed I would end up marrying... this boy that was the only male in the entire universe that existed to me... this boy that gave my stone heart a couple of pumps of life dumping me like a worthless whore might have been a little fucking traumatizing. Is it too much to ask yourselves how many times you've seen Samantha Jean Soper not be a completely cynical, bitter, man-hating bitch? How many times have you seen her show real love for the opposite sex? The answer is once, people. And something that could evoke that insane amount of change had to be pretty fucking prolific, am I right? And it's completely normal for her to just go from having that hope that she might fucking be able to feel something for another human ripped out from under her feet to being completely normal and ok, right? Yeah, that is completely fucking logical. Everyone I've ever met acts like nothing happened after they get dumped. I've never had to calm or hold or hug or vent or talk any of you out of the insanity of a breakup or a big fight with your significant other or bouts of depression or jealousy or feelings that your life is falling apart... because everyone always acts like nothing is happening. And that right there, my friends, is called bullshit.
The truth is I don't know how to freak out. I don't know how to show people that I am not doing ok. I don't know how to not feel like I am burdening everyone with my problems because they all have their own. This is me reaching out. I just want someone to fucking recognize that something fucking happened to me and simply ask me if I'm doing ok. I am not a proactive bitcher and moaner. I put a pretty, nice, happy face forward and hope that it hides (and it usually does) the fact that I am crumbling to bits inside from everyone... even myself.
But such is not the reality of my situation. Therefore, I've been wanting to runaway. I wanted to go camping alone this weekend to shut everyone and everything out of my life so I could concentrate on myself. That didn't happen though, because my family flipped out saying I couldn't go alone and then Todd and Kristin did some research and found out that we probably wouldn't be able to get a spot anyways. My weekend instead consisted of helping Bibi move in and restringing my guitars to sell them. I did go to the lake today, alone, and had some epiphanies.
The Epiphanies:
It was the perfect way to spend a lonely Sunday afternoon. I spent most of my time at the lake swimming around, basking in the sun, and reading. I got Susan Powter's book Politics of Stupid a couple of weeks ago in hopes that it would give me some motivation. It was perfect to read today and brought some light to my current issues."If someone you love is unwell, what do you do?"
That shit right there sums everything up, but not in the way that you would think. When someone I love is unwell, I do everything in my power to try to help them, remedy their situation, get them through it, sometimes to a fault. In my help, I have said this to all of my friends a billion times over. You have to put yourself first and love yourself more than any other. Yet, what am I doing. Ignoring the fact that I am the person that I love that needs fucking help right now. It doesn't matter how many times I've said it to other people, this was the first thing I forgot when I was in need of it. I need to stop dealing with everyone else's shit and put my own shit first. Trade my habitual selflessness for a little bit of selfishness just to get myself through this slump. Just a warning to everyone. I may seem a little reclusive the next few weeks, but it's all just to get my normal self back.
The second epiphany is that my weight has stagnated because I only exercise three times a week. My original plan was to do it a lot more, but doing it three times a week was working... for a little bit. What was actually working was the fact that I went from consuming tons of shit and being completely immobile to working out and eating healthy. My body has gotten used to it though, so it's time to step it up a notch. I need to start working out two more days a week. That's all it takes. Just two little days and things with my body will move foward again. And I can definitely do that.
My Goals:
Since setting goals tends to help me out a lot, here they are.
- Work out 5-6 times a week. Just and extra hour or two a week.
- Only go out for lunch twice a week.
- Make dinner at home at least 3 days a week.
- Eat only vegan this month.
- Stay on top of taking vitamins.
- Go to boxing 3 times a week... every week. No more skipping.
- Plan an outside activity every weekend.
- Go camping.
- Finish Politics of Stupid and Better Single than Sorry.
- Get your apartment clean again.
- Carve out an hour everyday to disconnect from everything and focus on you.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Week Five: In Review
This sucks. My cat is in "rehab" at my parents house. He had an addiction to destroying my carpet with his tiny claws. Before you get all, "Brawr! That's inhumane. You're vegan! WTF?!?!" my cat has probably caused upwards of $600 something in damage to my carpets in my rented apartment. If I owned a home, I probably wouldn't give a shit, but I don't own this apartment and will be paying for the damage when I leave. I've also just witnessed my mother's three other cats get declawed and they didn't change at all. They are still able to jump up on the fridge and shit like they used to. Thomas also does not go outside. He'll be fucking fine.
Aside from that, I feel like everything is falling apart. My weight this past Saturday was 236. I haven't been eating very vegan lately and have felt all gassy and bloated and shit because of it. I've also been eating lots of shitty food like veggie burgers and fries and giant carb fests. ): My apartment is getting messy again and the flowers that I bought the other day that I have yet to plant are already dying. I need to plant those tonight. And that Rob guy never messaged me back... as expected. I went clothes shopping yesterday to get some cute dresses or something and found nothing. I ripped the seam trying on a skirt at Old Navy with my huge ass and everything just made me feel like a big fat nasty and looked like shit on me, except for a pair of Steve Madden wedges that were on sale. Yay for shoes! I'll post pictures of them later.
After shopping last night, I went on another date. This one was TERRIBLE. I assumed it would be from the brief exchanges with the fellow because his words permeated with pretentious ass hole. His pictures were cute though so I decided if anything we could have a battle of the pretentiousness and it would be kind of funny. First off, he's 31. Nothing really to say about that, only that it is 10 years older than me. Secondly, he's a graphic artist. Well, I'm a graphic designer, we should have stuff to talk about around that right? Unless we are talking about how shitty his work is and how it lacks depth or perception or even any faint glimmer of artistic talent, I have nothing to say. Can you see that furry piece of shit he drew? He's pretentious about that piece of shit. What the hell is wrong with him? Anyways, yet another opportunity for me to go on this date and lol my ass off about it afterwards. Thirdly, we finally meet up and I am greeted by a fucking troll. Someone took a rock to this mother fucker and smashed his upper body down into his ass. Definitely not what I was expecting from his pictures. Fourthly, the conversation was fucking terrible. It was extremely stilted and pretty much one-sided. I'd ask him general questions, like "What do you do for fun?" and listen to him ramble on ENDLESSLY about what he does, then finish and look at me, in silence, with this retarded smirk on his face and a cocked eyebrow, like a shitty little dog waiting for you to play some retarded fucking fetch with it. Welcome to the Harris O'Malley tells his life story show. I'm-running-out-of-lys-ly, he has the gall to fucking judge me and roll his eyes after almost everything I said. Upon my explanation of my veganism being based on a book, he asked, "Oh, was it Fast Food Nation or The Omnivore's Dilemma?" I said, "Neither, it was a book called Skinny Bitch." HE FUCKING ROLLED HIS EYES AT ME! Anyways, the date came to a near abrupt halt when he called Halliburton satan's incarnate (in reference to Sean being a completely soulless asshole for working there) and said, "I'm so liberal, I make Ghandi look like a Nazi." Oh! Well, excuse me while I liberally break my FUCKING FOOT OFF IN YOUR ASS, YOU PRETENTIOUS PIECE OF SHIT!!! It is no fucking wonder that you are 31 and live with two cats alone in a fucking house. You are a social fucktard and I hope your deck collapses and you get stabbed in the chest with your fucking Wacom pen! The world needs less of YOU!
So now... as if I couldn't have been more bitter towards the male specimen... we've got fucking boys who don't really care, boys who don't message, and boys who are social fucktards and judge you every 5 seconds. UGH.
I have a photo shoot tonight and I hope that puts me in a better, less fat and ugly, mood... ):
Aside from that, I feel like everything is falling apart. My weight this past Saturday was 236. I haven't been eating very vegan lately and have felt all gassy and bloated and shit because of it. I've also been eating lots of shitty food like veggie burgers and fries and giant carb fests. ): My apartment is getting messy again and the flowers that I bought the other day that I have yet to plant are already dying. I need to plant those tonight. And that Rob guy never messaged me back... as expected. I went clothes shopping yesterday to get some cute dresses or something and found nothing. I ripped the seam trying on a skirt at Old Navy with my huge ass and everything just made me feel like a big fat nasty and looked like shit on me, except for a pair of Steve Madden wedges that were on sale. Yay for shoes! I'll post pictures of them later.
After shopping last night, I went on another date. This one was TERRIBLE. I assumed it would be from the brief exchanges with the fellow because his words permeated with pretentious ass hole. His pictures were cute though so I decided if anything we could have a battle of the pretentiousness and it would be kind of funny. First off, he's 31. Nothing really to say about that, only that it is 10 years older than me. Secondly, he's a graphic artist. Well, I'm a graphic designer, we should have stuff to talk about around that right? Unless we are talking about how shitty his work is and how it lacks depth or perception or even any faint glimmer of artistic talent, I have nothing to say. Can you see that furry piece of shit he drew? He's pretentious about that piece of shit. What the hell is wrong with him? Anyways, yet another opportunity for me to go on this date and lol my ass off about it afterwards. Thirdly, we finally meet up and I am greeted by a fucking troll. Someone took a rock to this mother fucker and smashed his upper body down into his ass. Definitely not what I was expecting from his pictures. Fourthly, the conversation was fucking terrible. It was extremely stilted and pretty much one-sided. I'd ask him general questions, like "What do you do for fun?" and listen to him ramble on ENDLESSLY about what he does, then finish and look at me, in silence, with this retarded smirk on his face and a cocked eyebrow, like a shitty little dog waiting for you to play some retarded fucking fetch with it. Welcome to the Harris O'Malley tells his life story show. I'm-running-out-of-lys-ly, he has the gall to fucking judge me and roll his eyes after almost everything I said. Upon my explanation of my veganism being based on a book, he asked, "Oh, was it Fast Food Nation or The Omnivore's Dilemma?" I said, "Neither, it was a book called Skinny Bitch." HE FUCKING ROLLED HIS EYES AT ME! Anyways, the date came to a near abrupt halt when he called Halliburton satan's incarnate (in reference to Sean being a completely soulless asshole for working there) and said, "I'm so liberal, I make Ghandi look like a Nazi." Oh! Well, excuse me while I liberally break my FUCKING FOOT OFF IN YOUR ASS, YOU PRETENTIOUS PIECE OF SHIT!!! It is no fucking wonder that you are 31 and live with two cats alone in a fucking house. You are a social fucktard and I hope your deck collapses and you get stabbed in the chest with your fucking Wacom pen! The world needs less of YOU!So now... as if I couldn't have been more bitter towards the male specimen... we've got fucking boys who don't really care, boys who don't message, and boys who are social fucktards and judge you every 5 seconds. UGH.
I have a photo shoot tonight and I hope that puts me in a better, less fat and ugly, mood... ):
Friday, June 13, 2008
I just had...
the best fucking night I have had in a long, long time. What's funny is that around 9:30 driving home bawling my eyes out, I thought it was going to be the worst.
Then while fucking around on OKCupid I get a little IM from a fellow named Rob, a fresh transplant to Austin from Chicago. I also got a couple of messages from a fine ass Italian and a fine ass Korean... but Rob was the first to IM me and looked the most harmless. He was actually kind of dorky looking from his pictures, so I figured we'd just go to Kerbey Lane and hang out for a bit and then I'd head back home. I get to Kerbey Lane and find out that this mother fucker is fine. We ate some food and he paid like a god damn gentleman. We had some really good conversation and then he invited me to his place to "watch some comedy central." I was like ok and followed him to his place nervous as shit, gritting my teeth. We watched some TV and then fucking made out and it was AMAZING. Homeboy knows what the hell he is doing. Whew. I left his place at about 3am. I don't know if he'll talk to me again, but I really don't even care because last night was just that fucking awesome.
In my post-make out bliss, I tried to call all my bitches. Lauren was partying in San Antonio and was very excited. Bibi was down Spicewood Springs and invited me on a late night adventure. Dick, Mariah, Bibi and myself jammed out to tunes with the windows rolled down and drove to Mount Bonnell. After hanging out there for a while, we took a scenic route to a little creek and we hung out putting our toes in the water. Everything was fucking perfect. I got home at 5:30 and took a shower and am now getting ready for work. I hope there are more nights like this to come.
Then while fucking around on OKCupid I get a little IM from a fellow named Rob, a fresh transplant to Austin from Chicago. I also got a couple of messages from a fine ass Italian and a fine ass Korean... but Rob was the first to IM me and looked the most harmless. He was actually kind of dorky looking from his pictures, so I figured we'd just go to Kerbey Lane and hang out for a bit and then I'd head back home. I get to Kerbey Lane and find out that this mother fucker is fine. We ate some food and he paid like a god damn gentleman. We had some really good conversation and then he invited me to his place to "watch some comedy central." I was like ok and followed him to his place nervous as shit, gritting my teeth. We watched some TV and then fucking made out and it was AMAZING. Homeboy knows what the hell he is doing. Whew. I left his place at about 3am. I don't know if he'll talk to me again, but I really don't even care because last night was just that fucking awesome.
In my post-make out bliss, I tried to call all my bitches. Lauren was partying in San Antonio and was very excited. Bibi was down Spicewood Springs and invited me on a late night adventure. Dick, Mariah, Bibi and myself jammed out to tunes with the windows rolled down and drove to Mount Bonnell. After hanging out there for a while, we took a scenic route to a little creek and we hung out putting our toes in the water. Everything was fucking perfect. I got home at 5:30 and took a shower and am now getting ready for work. I hope there are more nights like this to come.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Nothing makes everything all better...
...more than a teeny tiny pig in some teeny tiny boots.
OMFG CUTE.Monday, June 9, 2008
Week Four: In Review
Well, last week brought to close the first of many exciting months to come. My weekly weigh-in presented me with a 233, which means I have lost 17 pounds this month. I've transformed my eating eating habits, cleaned my entire apartment and kept it that way, and am still working on getting my time organized. I had a pretty epic fucking break-up last week, but shit happens and there is no use crying over spilled milk. In an effort to cleanse my life of negativity, someone left who I really loved. It just goes to show the lack of support he had for me. Hopefully, we can be mature and be friends after this... but so far he isn't doing a very good job. Typical.
I spent some much needed time this weekend with my family and was in Houston for my little sister's graduation. She walked across the stage to get her diploma and raised the roof. She is so awesome. We spent a lot of time chit chatting and talking about how growing up is some weird shit. We called up our friend Dave Green and hung out with him for a while and had lots of laughs, ate delicious food and watched V for Vendetta, finding that on a second watch with our friend Dave, that movie is intensely amazing. I left Houston last night with my grandparents in tow. We are going to go to Mansfield Dam today to go swimming and have a picnic. We plan on going to Oasis tonight for a nice dinner. They are only staying for a day, but it's exciting to have some family at my apartment.
Sometime this week, I have a photo shoot with Katie Cowden (see her portfolio here) and have been getting super psyched up for that. I just bought a corset online and have been collecting makeup and such for the shoot. I want to do some that are like burlesque pinup style photos and another that is like robot cyborg with really cool shiny makeup. We'll have to see how that all pans out, but I am exciting. Eva is also coming to visit this weekend hopefully! And I have a slumber party with Jenna. Wooo! Fun times to be had. It's time for me to go get out in the sun. (:
I spent some much needed time this weekend with my family and was in Houston for my little sister's graduation. She walked across the stage to get her diploma and raised the roof. She is so awesome. We spent a lot of time chit chatting and talking about how growing up is some weird shit. We called up our friend Dave Green and hung out with him for a while and had lots of laughs, ate delicious food and watched V for Vendetta, finding that on a second watch with our friend Dave, that movie is intensely amazing. I left Houston last night with my grandparents in tow. We are going to go to Mansfield Dam today to go swimming and have a picnic. We plan on going to Oasis tonight for a nice dinner. They are only staying for a day, but it's exciting to have some family at my apartment.Sometime this week, I have a photo shoot with Katie Cowden (see her portfolio here) and have been getting super psyched up for that. I just bought a corset online and have been collecting makeup and such for the shoot. I want to do some that are like burlesque pinup style photos and another that is like robot cyborg with really cool shiny makeup. We'll have to see how that all pans out, but I am exciting. Eva is also coming to visit this weekend hopefully! And I have a slumber party with Jenna. Wooo! Fun times to be had. It's time for me to go get out in the sun. (:
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Open Mouth... Insert Foot
"So anyways...
we should probably just be friends."
Sean broke up with me. He said it wasn't working. He said something else about the distance. I was in too much of a shock and trying to choke back the tears because I was at work to pay attention. He didn't have the common decency not to do it while I was working, but whatever. I spent all day brooding over it and just left work furious instead of depressed or sad.
"This just isn't working."
Well, no shit, Sherlock. That's why I wrote you that letter so we could work through it. It's not that it's not working. It's that you don't want to make the effort work through it. You love me more than anything in your entire life, but I'm not worth the effort to work through our issues? I was worth spending shit tons of money on, but not worth spending the effort to make things better? You are cool with me letting you cum into my ass, but you run at the first sight of me letting you come into my head and soul? Since when is that love and respect? Son, I hope you fucking learn to stop treating women like prostitutes.
Yeah, I spoke up for myself. We aren't in high school any more, sweetheart. I have learned from you hurting me before. I learned to speak up for myself. I learned that I have a fucking voice and I don't have to take your bullshit in silence and obedience. And I didn't. And you show me exactly how you are by taking this speaking up for myself and instead of embracing it as something positive, you ran, like a fucking coward.
And what more have I learned about you? NOTHING. You never let me in. I am the one who openly admits that I have a titanium casing more than a couple layers deep over my heart, but I still tried to let you in. You one the other hand had all the love to throw around, but you could never really let me in to see who you truly are. I could never trust you because you never let me fucking see you. You constantly kept an air of mystery about you. No wonder things wouldn't work. We were just slamming two titanium covered wrecking balls of hearts against one another. I open up my heart and head a little and let you know what I am thinking and feeling and you fleed, like a fucking coward.
And my little sister hates you. I was depressing my best friend in the entire fucking world because she thought we were going to get married and last forever. Everyone thought it was going to last. Everyone, that is, but me. It was too fucking good to be true and we just started falling into the same patterns we did in high school. But I made an effort to break the patterns, and you ditched me, like a fucking coward.
I leave you with these words from Alanis, Sean. It just wasn't working out "cause the love that you gave... that we made wasn't able to make it enough for you to be open wide. No."
It's fucking double time, Samantha. Eat, breathe, move, think. You have your life. You have yourself. You have a beautiful fucking sun outside. And, damn girl, you've got some fucking determination.
we should probably just be friends."
Sean broke up with me. He said it wasn't working. He said something else about the distance. I was in too much of a shock and trying to choke back the tears because I was at work to pay attention. He didn't have the common decency not to do it while I was working, but whatever. I spent all day brooding over it and just left work furious instead of depressed or sad.
"This just isn't working."
Well, no shit, Sherlock. That's why I wrote you that letter so we could work through it. It's not that it's not working. It's that you don't want to make the effort work through it. You love me more than anything in your entire life, but I'm not worth the effort to work through our issues? I was worth spending shit tons of money on, but not worth spending the effort to make things better? You are cool with me letting you cum into my ass, but you run at the first sight of me letting you come into my head and soul? Since when is that love and respect? Son, I hope you fucking learn to stop treating women like prostitutes.
Yeah, I spoke up for myself. We aren't in high school any more, sweetheart. I have learned from you hurting me before. I learned to speak up for myself. I learned that I have a fucking voice and I don't have to take your bullshit in silence and obedience. And I didn't. And you show me exactly how you are by taking this speaking up for myself and instead of embracing it as something positive, you ran, like a fucking coward.
And what more have I learned about you? NOTHING. You never let me in. I am the one who openly admits that I have a titanium casing more than a couple layers deep over my heart, but I still tried to let you in. You one the other hand had all the love to throw around, but you could never really let me in to see who you truly are. I could never trust you because you never let me fucking see you. You constantly kept an air of mystery about you. No wonder things wouldn't work. We were just slamming two titanium covered wrecking balls of hearts against one another. I open up my heart and head a little and let you know what I am thinking and feeling and you fleed, like a fucking coward.
And my little sister hates you. I was depressing my best friend in the entire fucking world because she thought we were going to get married and last forever. Everyone thought it was going to last. Everyone, that is, but me. It was too fucking good to be true and we just started falling into the same patterns we did in high school. But I made an effort to break the patterns, and you ditched me, like a fucking coward.
I leave you with these words from Alanis, Sean. It just wasn't working out "cause the love that you gave... that we made wasn't able to make it enough for you to be open wide. No."
It's fucking double time, Samantha. Eat, breathe, move, think. You have your life. You have yourself. You have a beautiful fucking sun outside. And, damn girl, you've got some fucking determination.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Week Three: In Review (whew!)
Nothing like a small bout of insanity to set you back on the right track. Whew! I wrote Sean a letter and through writing this letter I realized that I do love and I do love him. I only feel detached from that person I am with him because he is what awakens those feelings. When I am left to my own devices, I suppress all of that. It's just a little confusing to me at times. Plus, I think it had a lot to do with the fact that I was PMSing.
Anyways, enough of that. Everyday is a positive new day and I must carry on as though yesterday was not a step back, only a broken step that I struggled through. The past few days have been a little tough. I've been behind in work, bringing it home and procrastinating on it, hence not sleeping. On top of all the PMSing and not sleeping, I've got a cold. But I am ready to carry on! I weighed myself on Saturday to find that I was 235, but this is natural since I was about to rag it up. I've missed two boxing classes because I have been sick, but am determined to get back in the gym tomorrow, regardless of how I feel. I need to stick to it and I miss getting in there. I learned all the names of the people that I work out with and I know people... esp Jesus Chavez... notice when I'm not there. He gives me shit about it every time he doesn't see me there. I'm going to be missing Friday though because my baby sister is graduating high school! Woot woot!
The cleaning front has not been going so well. I've kept my bedroom pretty clean and I've been sorting through shit in the fridge and pantry and giving things away. I've made a teeny tiny bit of head way on my living room but not as much as I would have liked. I need to get everything nice and tidy by Thursday because my grandparents are coming to visit on Sunday.
I am in love with reggae right now. I have no fucking clue why. I think it's because it's a very summery music. I really want to start getting outside more in the fabulous sunshine reading books or something and listening to reggae. Hellz yes. Also, I just discovered tonight this crazy bitch named Susan Powter. Evidently, she lost like 130 pounds in the 90s and was a very famous infomercial chick. She's very all organic, non-processed, whole foods and of course, vegan. She's also an uber-feminist lesbian. I found an ad for her book perusing a vegan cooking site. Anyways, I looked up some info on her and found her youTube channel and she, though bat shit crazy, has some somewhat inspirational and very interesting videos. Her whole thing is "eat, breathe, move, think."
Doesn't her crazy ass make you want to eat a fucking pear? Anyways, I think that is all for tonight. I need to get me some sleep.
Anyways, enough of that. Everyday is a positive new day and I must carry on as though yesterday was not a step back, only a broken step that I struggled through. The past few days have been a little tough. I've been behind in work, bringing it home and procrastinating on it, hence not sleeping. On top of all the PMSing and not sleeping, I've got a cold. But I am ready to carry on! I weighed myself on Saturday to find that I was 235, but this is natural since I was about to rag it up. I've missed two boxing classes because I have been sick, but am determined to get back in the gym tomorrow, regardless of how I feel. I need to stick to it and I miss getting in there. I learned all the names of the people that I work out with and I know people... esp Jesus Chavez... notice when I'm not there. He gives me shit about it every time he doesn't see me there. I'm going to be missing Friday though because my baby sister is graduating high school! Woot woot!
The cleaning front has not been going so well. I've kept my bedroom pretty clean and I've been sorting through shit in the fridge and pantry and giving things away. I've made a teeny tiny bit of head way on my living room but not as much as I would have liked. I need to get everything nice and tidy by Thursday because my grandparents are coming to visit on Sunday.
I am in love with reggae right now. I have no fucking clue why. I think it's because it's a very summery music. I really want to start getting outside more in the fabulous sunshine reading books or something and listening to reggae. Hellz yes. Also, I just discovered tonight this crazy bitch named Susan Powter. Evidently, she lost like 130 pounds in the 90s and was a very famous infomercial chick. She's very all organic, non-processed, whole foods and of course, vegan. She's also an uber-feminist lesbian. I found an ad for her book perusing a vegan cooking site. Anyways, I looked up some info on her and found her youTube channel and she, though bat shit crazy, has some somewhat inspirational and very interesting videos. Her whole thing is "eat, breathe, move, think."
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Pointless Movie Review: Sex and the City
This is more a review of my own emotional state than that of the movie. If you haven't seen it, don't read it. I don't want to get any god damn, "WAHHHH!!! You spoiled it for me!" comments. This film was so predictable that you probably don't even need to read this to know what happens in the end.Where I have always tended to like Sex and the City, based upon the fact that it tends to show the reality over some fictitious, happily ever after bull shit. At least that is what I had assumed from the episodes I have seen. This movie was all about happy endings. Everyone got what they wanted in the end. Everyone had love. Awwww.... Let's all take a big mushy collective sigh. Though this to most would seem like something to have you leave the theater with warm fuzzies, especially if you are involved with someone, it left me feeling incredibly depressed and like I wanted to go home and cry.
I swear... The rest of this will probably harm my integrity as a human being, but I need to get it the fuck off my chest.
Can I fucking feel? I mean seriously. That shit in that movie. I am the happiest I have ever been when I am with Sean. He brings such amazingness to my life and is incredibly sweet for the most part. But when we are apart, I completely fucking second guess this. I can't even tell if I really fucking feel for him or if it's that when he is here I just get so caught up in the warm fuzzy feelings of being with him for the two weeks at a time that I get once every three or four or six months. I would have a conversation with him about this, but him being in god damned Afghanistan puts a little fucking damper on us having any real conversations. And when we are really together, his mind is too preoccupied with the fact that he hasn't gotten his dick wet in fucking months that we don't actually talk. And when we try, I don't know what to say.
Sadly, I know that he thinks about me all the time and how much he loves me. My brain is preoccupied with whether what I feel is real because I can't feel anything when he's not around. I look at everything I do when I am with him and feel like that is a completely separate me. It's the same the seldom times I get to talk to him. I am slightly less warm and fuzzy and caught up in love, but I still feel something alive in me that is not there all the time. Is this thing love or is it just excitement or nervousness? Regardless, I only get to talk to him for maybe 20 minutes tops once a week.
I don't feel like I can make a clear call on any of this though because of the distance. I can't even imagine what life with him in even the same state would be like. I can't imagine what I would feel or feel like. All I know is what I feel (or don't) right now. Gah... I should write a letter and get this out to him rather than blogging about it. Maybe this is just my fucking PMS speaking... Right now, I'm just going to watch the Matrix Trilogy and hope some good sci fi will make me feel happier.
Fuck being angry at PETA...
My hair looks too fucking good for that shit.
Hell fucking yes.And one more thing to remember in your life:
Rise up this morning
Smiled with the risin' sun
Three little birds
Pitched by my door step
Singing sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true
Sayin' "This is my message to you-ou-ou"
Singin' don't worry 'bout a thing
Cuz every little thing gonna be alright.
Rise up this morning
Smiled with the risin' sun
Three little birds
Pitched by my door step
Singing sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true
Sayin' "This is my message to you-ou-ou"
Singin' don't worry 'bout a thing
Cuz every little thing gonna be alright.
Friday, May 30, 2008
Veggie Vent No. 2
Ahhh... yes. Now I understand. Look at this headstone that an avid member of PETA put next to Colonel Sanders' grave.
Yeah... Let me tell you. That is pure fucking art. Thank you Matt Prescott for making my transition into veganism that much easier. ASSHOLE! Have we learned nothing from fucking civil disobedience? No one gets anything accomplished being a giant obnoxious douche bag! And the fucking comments after this post was made.
Yeah... Let me tell you. That is pure fucking art. Thank you Matt Prescott for making my transition into veganism that much easier. ASSHOLE! Have we learned nothing from fucking civil disobedience? No one gets anything accomplished being a giant obnoxious douche bag! And the fucking comments after this post was made."kelly: i completely agree with you! animals are more important than some sentimentalities concerning graveyards! torturing an animal to death is worse than anything else! there are people on this blog which i doubt if they really are for animal protection or just distracting the people - as for example welcoming antibloggers for 'enlightening' discussions!""This is a great idea of a courageous personality - I shall do one for myself also!"
"This is so kick ass! Well done.................!"
"This isn't supposed to bring educational awareness in the same way that a piece of literature would. This is just meant to bring awareness. Period.
You have to admit, it's different. Different gets attention.
This is meant to just provide an opening for what should become an educational conversation regarding KFC's cruelty. (Did you hear what Peta did today...)
Having this on a grave doesn't bother me one bit...
This gave me an idea! When I die, I'll make sure there is something on my stone regarding animal cruelty. Being against animal cruelty has defined so much of my life and so much of my person, there is no reason why I shouln't have something on there regarding that.
Thanks for the idea!"
And the list goes on. You have got to fucking be shitting me. Applauding this bullshit. This will bring awareness alright. Awareness that vegans and vegetarians and animal rights activists are a bunch of fucking disrespectful assholes. Do these people live in a fucking cave? America is not a country full of people that will look at this and go, "Wow, this guy really has a point." I mean what would happen if fucking Martin Luther King just walk up to the leader of the KKK, whip out his dick and piss on his robe and say, "That's for mistreating my people."? In whatever fucked up dream world this assholes live in, the leader of the KKK would have gone, "Oh ok... Dude, I'm sorry. My bad, yo. Hey guys, cut those n*****s... I mean, fellow human beings we were planning on lynching down from that tree; I made a mistake. Oopsie!"
NO. He would have fucking filled his face full of lead and then looked at all African Americans as dirty, disrespectful people that don't know what a toilet is, giving them another reason to hate. When people look upon a group negatively, they go to great measures to find more reasons to hate them. People don't view animal rights activists as level-headed, intelligent beings who just want to get out there, spread the word and raise awareness. They see them as out of control extremists spewing out bull shit propaganda that they fictionalized based upon one or two instances. Doing things like this adds disrespectful to the list.
It's funny because when I tell some people that I'm being vegan for my health they are often more ok with it than if I was to tell them I was doing it for the animals. How detached from reality are these people? You can spread awareness without being negative or extreme. Having real conversations with people instead of hating might help. I don't know. I don't have the answers. All I know is that this cannot be effective and only gives all of us a bad name.
NO. He would have fucking filled his face full of lead and then looked at all African Americans as dirty, disrespectful people that don't know what a toilet is, giving them another reason to hate. When people look upon a group negatively, they go to great measures to find more reasons to hate them. People don't view animal rights activists as level-headed, intelligent beings who just want to get out there, spread the word and raise awareness. They see them as out of control extremists spewing out bull shit propaganda that they fictionalized based upon one or two instances. Doing things like this adds disrespectful to the list.
It's funny because when I tell some people that I'm being vegan for my health they are often more ok with it than if I was to tell them I was doing it for the animals. How detached from reality are these people? You can spread awareness without being negative or extreme. Having real conversations with people instead of hating might help. I don't know. I don't have the answers. All I know is that this cannot be effective and only gives all of us a bad name.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Veggie Vent No. 1
I've cooled down about this a bit but I wanted to blog about it anyways. As you all know, I've been eating mostly vegan and sometimes vegetarian for the past two weeks. I feel really good about it. I'm trying new things. I've had a lot more energy. I've been losing weight. I've just overall been happier.
I've slowly been coming out about being vegan to all my friends and family because I am kind of scared about what they will say to me. For the most part, I've been met with little to no resistance. Mostly, I get, "Why are you doing that, Samantha? Is meat not wonderful?" The past few people I have told this to are med/nursing students and they have given me a shit ton of resistance.
What set me off is that today I had lunch with my old roommate Amy. When I roomed with her freshman year, I was vegetarian and then I stopped shortly after. When we got lunch, I got a big sandwich full of veggies and as I was going to take my first bite into it she asks, "Are you vegetarian again?" I said, "Yes." and she began.
"Vegetarians only get carbs in. You don't get enough protein. Oh, you're doing it because of a book? What was the book about? Is that even accurate? That's not healthy. TVP is genetically modified. blah blah blah."
You get the point. I love Amy to death and I know that she has my best interest in mind, but it just makes me sad when people take such an opposition to my choices in life. All I could do was try to describe to her how much better I feel and how it wasn't like I just removed meat from everything I used to eat. If that was the case, I would be living off of cheeseburgers sans the burger, fries, and ice cream. I feel like my food options are limitless and I am trying more new things and combinations. For instance, today, I made vegan ranch dressing from scratch. I never even cooked when I was omnivorous.
I also got flack from my friend Patrick who said I sounded like PETA. When in the fuck did giving a shit about animals become a bad thing? Where are these veg people that made such a ruckus that gave all vegetarians and vegans a bad name? I don't try to force my choice not to eat meat on anyone, yet I still have to handle them pushing their choice to eat it on me. It's just how people are I guess.
But for just a little shameless told-ya-so, I went to the butt doctor today and he checked out my shit and told me that I've allowed myself to heal through my vegan diet and that I should stick with it because it's very good for me. I did a little told-ya-so dance in my car and laughed a little. It made things a little better.
I've slowly been coming out about being vegan to all my friends and family because I am kind of scared about what they will say to me. For the most part, I've been met with little to no resistance. Mostly, I get, "Why are you doing that, Samantha? Is meat not wonderful?" The past few people I have told this to are med/nursing students and they have given me a shit ton of resistance.
What set me off is that today I had lunch with my old roommate Amy. When I roomed with her freshman year, I was vegetarian and then I stopped shortly after. When we got lunch, I got a big sandwich full of veggies and as I was going to take my first bite into it she asks, "Are you vegetarian again?" I said, "Yes." and she began.
"Vegetarians only get carbs in. You don't get enough protein. Oh, you're doing it because of a book? What was the book about? Is that even accurate? That's not healthy. TVP is genetically modified. blah blah blah."
You get the point. I love Amy to death and I know that she has my best interest in mind, but it just makes me sad when people take such an opposition to my choices in life. All I could do was try to describe to her how much better I feel and how it wasn't like I just removed meat from everything I used to eat. If that was the case, I would be living off of cheeseburgers sans the burger, fries, and ice cream. I feel like my food options are limitless and I am trying more new things and combinations. For instance, today, I made vegan ranch dressing from scratch. I never even cooked when I was omnivorous.
I also got flack from my friend Patrick who said I sounded like PETA. When in the fuck did giving a shit about animals become a bad thing? Where are these veg people that made such a ruckus that gave all vegetarians and vegans a bad name? I don't try to force my choice not to eat meat on anyone, yet I still have to handle them pushing their choice to eat it on me. It's just how people are I guess.
But for just a little shameless told-ya-so, I went to the butt doctor today and he checked out my shit and told me that I've allowed myself to heal through my vegan diet and that I should stick with it because it's very good for me. I did a little told-ya-so dance in my car and laughed a little. It made things a little better.
Monday, May 26, 2008
Week Two: In Review
I'm taking some time out of my increasingly busy life to give the beautiful people of the world who do not read my blog an update. Work has been keeping me very, very busy, but I love it! I had a little break down on Friday because I had been working straight all week and I got really stressed out because of some insurance shit, but I got that taken care of. I paid a visit to my family this weekend after that because I felt like I needed to get away for a bit. I told them that I am a vegetarian/vegan again and they handled it better than expected. We had a giant vegetable grill (with seafood and quail for the fams) on Sunday night and it was FABULOUS!
I weighed myself on Saturday and I am down to 234. I have more and more energy in my life and I keep feeling better and better. I felt like I was crashing Friday night after my insurance stuff. I went out to Sonic and got a grilled cheese, cheesy tots, and a hot fudge sundae and was thinking fuck... it's all downhill from here. But, I woke up Saturday morning with a positive out look and didn't beat myself up for eating a pile of shit the night before.
I've been working on cleaning up my living room. I have managed to keep my kitchen clean with no dishes piled in the sink for two weeks! That is a huge deal for me. Let's hope I can keep it up. I've started a collection of things I don't need and things that other people have left at my house and am going to start selling and giving stuff away. I'm going to give the people that own the other stuff a chance to reclaim it, but I am not a Public Storage so the stuff has got to go. Hopefully, I'll get the living room cleaned up by tomorrow evening, so I can start decluttering this weekend.
I've got my bootyhole doctor's appointment on Thursday as well as a lunch date with my old roomie Amy, a haircut on Friday, Sex and the City at Alamo on Saturday, and nekkid beaches on Sunday followed by the Steve Miller Band. I'll post some updates as I feel they are necessary, but I'll most def get a pic of my hair up. I'm really excited about what I have planned for my head!
I weighed myself on Saturday and I am down to 234. I have more and more energy in my life and I keep feeling better and better. I felt like I was crashing Friday night after my insurance stuff. I went out to Sonic and got a grilled cheese, cheesy tots, and a hot fudge sundae and was thinking fuck... it's all downhill from here. But, I woke up Saturday morning with a positive out look and didn't beat myself up for eating a pile of shit the night before.
I've been working on cleaning up my living room. I have managed to keep my kitchen clean with no dishes piled in the sink for two weeks! That is a huge deal for me. Let's hope I can keep it up. I've started a collection of things I don't need and things that other people have left at my house and am going to start selling and giving stuff away. I'm going to give the people that own the other stuff a chance to reclaim it, but I am not a Public Storage so the stuff has got to go. Hopefully, I'll get the living room cleaned up by tomorrow evening, so I can start decluttering this weekend.
I've got my bootyhole doctor's appointment on Thursday as well as a lunch date with my old roomie Amy, a haircut on Friday, Sex and the City at Alamo on Saturday, and nekkid beaches on Sunday followed by the Steve Miller Band. I'll post some updates as I feel they are necessary, but I'll most def get a pic of my hair up. I'm really excited about what I have planned for my head!
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Week One: In Review
This week has been an adventure. My air conditioning was out for 3 days this week and my kitchen sink has been clogged so I get done nearly what I've wanted to get done around the house. Despite all that, I did rearrange my room and clean up my kitchen so that was good. I cleaned up my bedroom and bathroom last night and it looks beautiful and so much more spacious. It's awesome waking up in the morning with the sun shining in my face! I hope to keep my room this way for a while (fingers crossed). I weighed myself on Saturday and I am at 240. Whether I can trust my home scale or not is a mystery. We'll just have to see as time moves along.I just got a job with Bazaarvoice. Today was my first day and it was wonderful! Everyone in the office is very, very friendly and they have ping pong tables and massage chairs and all kinds of cool stuff. I'm making $15 an hour, which is pretty damn good. I'm making more than my momma!
Friday night I went clubbing with Bibi at Elysium, a goth club here in Austin with beaucoups of creep-os. They were having Cure tribute night, so I got on the most gothic clothes I could find. These clothes happened to be from my senior year in high school, which, surprisingly, fit me alright. To the left you can see me trying to fake goth as hard as possible. haha.Saturday evening, Eva and I drove up to Dallas for the Radiohead concert. Oh my god. It was amazing. Thom Yorke fucking rocked my ass off. I don't even know what to say about it. It was all just a dream come true! ::le sigh:: I also got to visit my little buddies James and Brandon. It was good to see some people from home and spend some time with those guys.
Eva and I came back to Austin last night and I was surprised with a box full of organic soaps and lip balms and lotions from my dearest. Eva and I pampered ourselves for a while and then she came to boxing with me. After that, we went on a Whole Foods adventure! I got some veggies and vegan meats and cheeses and yogurts. There is always so much cool stuff there. (: I've been eating pretty much solely vegan or vegetarian foods since my last post. Meat and dairy have just been making me feel all dirty. I've noticed that I have a shit ton more energy, which is awesome and I'm trying out new fabulous things in the kitchen! All in all this has been an awesome week. I'm hoping it is just a taste of what is to come in the future. We'll just have to see...
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Book Review: Skinny Bitch
Skinny Bitch was a book my boyfriend bought for me because he knows I struggle with my weight and am always trying to find something that will stick. He preempted his sending it to me with, "Don't hate me. It's a funny book." I told him that it probably wouldn't work because nothing ever and that I probably wouldn't finish it because I don't have time to read. But, I did finish it.First off, this book is fucking hilarious. The girls who wrote this book have just as much of a dirty sailor's mouth as I do. I was reading through the first few chapters laughing. It was a little heavy on the organic food stuff that I don't really have the discretionary income to be spending on. As I read along, I soon realized that I was reading a piece of pro-vegan lit. I felt a little duped, but I kept reading.
I have seen the pamphlets passed out by Peta around campus. I've flipped through the little booklets with the pictures of the little cows and pigs sadly staring at the camera all dirty, covered in their own shit with missing hair and cuts. I've seen the malnourished featherless chickens all cramped together in one tiny cage. And, call me a fucking cunt, I never really gave a shit because animals taste like delicious. This book is the first time I have ever read or seen pro-vegan lit and reevaluated what I was eating. They made me feel stupid for not caring and eating meat like there wasn't an issue and there was nothing wrong with it. Maybe it's just the way it was written that finally made me go, "Hmm... Maybe the vegans have a point." I don't think that I'm going to immediately jump on the vegan bandwagon, but I am going to start introducing more vegetarian foods into my diet and more soy stuff (because the chapter on milk made me want to vom) just to try it out.
On a separate note:
My AC in my apartment is dead. It's hot. ): And I went from sweltering apartment to boxing gym that has no AC and worked out for two fucking hours. I worked out until I nearly passed out and then drove home and passed out on the floor for a while, because my bed is covered in stuff. My bed is covered in stuff because I woke up this morning and has some strange urge/ obsession to rearrange the furniture in my bedroom. I'll post pictures when I get it all cleaned up.
PS:
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Summer of Change
You can call me Samantha Jean. I'm a graphic and website designer in Austin and an advertising student at the University of Texas. I'm graduating in December and am trying my damnedest to prep up for that.
This is my last summer vacation. What better a time to grow the fuck up before I am thrust out into the real world. This past semester has been one of the most stressful yet and was the most taxing on my mind, body and living situation. To put it shortly, everything in my life is currently in a downward spiral to disaster... everything but that involving my career and work situations. Thank baby jesus that something is going right. Here's the sitch:
My Body:
For about a month and a half before a couple of weeks ago, I was on a straight up fast food diet. I had an addiction to it. It was like my crack cocaine. It made me feel better when I was feeling sad or pissed. It was a reward for me when I accomplished something. I ended up gaining 20 pounds in about two months and found that I was easily exhausted with any simple activity. I also got tendinitis in my foot around this period in time, so I wasn't doing much for my body as far as exercise goes. I am currently at 250 pounds.
WARNING: If poops creep you out, just skip the next paragraph.
About a week or two ago, I went to the doctor because my ass was bleeding more than normal whenever I took a shit. I say more than normal because it is a typical thing for my ass to bleed after shitting, but I never paid any attention to it because I come from a family where you don't need to go to the doctor unless you are dying. I figured my poops were just too big. Turns out, I have a polyp on my asshole. For those of you that don't know, untreated polyps turn into cancer. It was recommended that I highly increase my fiber and start exercising more.
Luckily, right before this polyp situation reared it's ugly head, I was already deciding to make some change. I knew I needed to stop with this fast food shit I was eating. I watched Supersize Me because everyone I heard that watched it was like, "Ewwwww. I will never eat fast food again." The film really had no effect other that me thinking, "Yeah. I can relate. I am feeling all this shit right now." I was at a McDonald's later that evening scarfing down a Big and Tasty with fries and a root beer. That was the last fast food I have really eaten since then though. So something must have taken effect.
My Apartment:
This is a disaster zone. I don't give half a shit if people come over and see what it looks like because that is how I live and they know it. I've decided I am going to start caring though because it is an unhealthy, unprofessional, just plain nazty environment. I can't find anything. I have dirty dishes everywhere growing god knows what on them. I can't have my clients come by because it shows what an actual college student I am, as opposed to this picturesque mature, very professional, wise beyond her years, business associate that just so happens to go to college. I definitely don't want that.
Just so you know I'm not one of those neat freaks (like the majority of my friends are) that thinks that having a sheet of paper on my coffee table constitutes dirty, here are some photos of my lovely living areas.
The Living Room: (How I live in here is beyond me)
The Kitchen: (Yes, that is a broken beer bottle.)
My Time-Management:
As I said, this semester was one of the most stressful ones I have experienced to date. I don't expect the next to be any better. I have an extreme case of procrastination because, bottom line, I hate school. I feel like I am wasting my time and my parents money all for a piece of paper that will put me into the work force four years behind my peers. It would be more of my parents money to drop out after being here for three years though, so I stick with it and have tried to get out as fast as possible.
I have stayed up longer than ever this past semester. My longest period of time without sleep: 46 hours. I'm still trying to recover from my lack of sleep the past three months. Not sleeping sucks. Also, wasting the best parts of my day sleeping my ass off from my lack of sleep at night time sucks worse.
I stumbled upon the whole GTD (getting things done) revolution from some article on Digg and downloaded a program thinking, "Yay. A giant to do list for me to keep on top of shit." After talking to one of my friends about it and finding out that he had the book and lent it to me to read. I just started reading it last week and am finding out how to actually use the program to help me be more productive.
The Plan:
My plan is to streamline my life for better all around health. I'm going to document it all right here to keep myself accountable. I'll start off by finishing the books Getting Things Done and Skinny Bitch to help prep myself for this venture. I'll be going to a boxing gym three times a week to get some scheduled physical activity in. I'm also making lists of daily and weekly to do's to post around the house to keep my shit all neat and tidy and my body taken care of. I'm going to post my list up and if you have any suggestions or words of wisdom (for anything), please comment me with them. Here are my lists:
Morning:
• Go on a bike ride
• Shower
• Moisturize
• Deodorize (I forget to put on deodorant sometimes. Don't judge me.)
• Take vitamins and birth control
• Brush teeth
• Take photo (I'm taking a photo a day to track body changes. A possible motivator?)
• Make your bed
• Make breakfast and pack lunch
• Put any dishes into sink
• Feed Thomas K (my cat) and Holden (my turtle)
Evening:
• Lift weights
o Bicep curls
o Triceps extensions
o Shoulder press
o Chest press
o Lunges
• Brush teeth
• Wash and moisturize face
• Put dirty clothes in the basket
• Clean dishes and tidy up kitchen
• Process all papers
• Refill all water bottles
• Pick up your crap off the floor
• Scoop kitty shitty
• Water plants
• Paint nails with protein polish
Every Saturday:
• Do laundry (Don’t forget bed sheets and dish towels)
• Dust
• Take out trash
• Vacuum
• Blog
• Take off protein polish
• Weigh myself
• Pamper yourself somehow
This is my last summer vacation. What better a time to grow the fuck up before I am thrust out into the real world. This past semester has been one of the most stressful yet and was the most taxing on my mind, body and living situation. To put it shortly, everything in my life is currently in a downward spiral to disaster... everything but that involving my career and work situations. Thank baby jesus that something is going right. Here's the sitch:
My Body:
For about a month and a half before a couple of weeks ago, I was on a straight up fast food diet. I had an addiction to it. It was like my crack cocaine. It made me feel better when I was feeling sad or pissed. It was a reward for me when I accomplished something. I ended up gaining 20 pounds in about two months and found that I was easily exhausted with any simple activity. I also got tendinitis in my foot around this period in time, so I wasn't doing much for my body as far as exercise goes. I am currently at 250 pounds.
WARNING: If poops creep you out, just skip the next paragraph.
About a week or two ago, I went to the doctor because my ass was bleeding more than normal whenever I took a shit. I say more than normal because it is a typical thing for my ass to bleed after shitting, but I never paid any attention to it because I come from a family where you don't need to go to the doctor unless you are dying. I figured my poops were just too big. Turns out, I have a polyp on my asshole. For those of you that don't know, untreated polyps turn into cancer. It was recommended that I highly increase my fiber and start exercising more.Luckily, right before this polyp situation reared it's ugly head, I was already deciding to make some change. I knew I needed to stop with this fast food shit I was eating. I watched Supersize Me because everyone I heard that watched it was like, "Ewwwww. I will never eat fast food again." The film really had no effect other that me thinking, "Yeah. I can relate. I am feeling all this shit right now." I was at a McDonald's later that evening scarfing down a Big and Tasty with fries and a root beer. That was the last fast food I have really eaten since then though. So something must have taken effect.
My Apartment:
This is a disaster zone. I don't give half a shit if people come over and see what it looks like because that is how I live and they know it. I've decided I am going to start caring though because it is an unhealthy, unprofessional, just plain nazty environment. I can't find anything. I have dirty dishes everywhere growing god knows what on them. I can't have my clients come by because it shows what an actual college student I am, as opposed to this picturesque mature, very professional, wise beyond her years, business associate that just so happens to go to college. I definitely don't want that.
Just so you know I'm not one of those neat freaks (like the majority of my friends are) that thinks that having a sheet of paper on my coffee table constitutes dirty, here are some photos of my lovely living areas.
The bedroom:
The Living Room: (How I live in here is beyond me)
The Kitchen: (Yes, that is a broken beer bottle.)
As I said, this semester was one of the most stressful ones I have experienced to date. I don't expect the next to be any better. I have an extreme case of procrastination because, bottom line, I hate school. I feel like I am wasting my time and my parents money all for a piece of paper that will put me into the work force four years behind my peers. It would be more of my parents money to drop out after being here for three years though, so I stick with it and have tried to get out as fast as possible.
I have stayed up longer than ever this past semester. My longest period of time without sleep: 46 hours. I'm still trying to recover from my lack of sleep the past three months. Not sleeping sucks. Also, wasting the best parts of my day sleeping my ass off from my lack of sleep at night time sucks worse.
I stumbled upon the whole GTD (getting things done) revolution from some article on Digg and downloaded a program thinking, "Yay. A giant to do list for me to keep on top of shit." After talking to one of my friends about it and finding out that he had the book and lent it to me to read. I just started reading it last week and am finding out how to actually use the program to help me be more productive.
The Plan:
My plan is to streamline my life for better all around health. I'm going to document it all right here to keep myself accountable. I'll start off by finishing the books Getting Things Done and Skinny Bitch to help prep myself for this venture. I'll be going to a boxing gym three times a week to get some scheduled physical activity in. I'm also making lists of daily and weekly to do's to post around the house to keep my shit all neat and tidy and my body taken care of. I'm going to post my list up and if you have any suggestions or words of wisdom (for anything), please comment me with them. Here are my lists:
Morning:
• Go on a bike ride
• Shower
• Moisturize
• Deodorize (I forget to put on deodorant sometimes. Don't judge me.)
• Take vitamins and birth control
• Brush teeth
• Take photo (I'm taking a photo a day to track body changes. A possible motivator?)
• Make your bed
• Make breakfast and pack lunch
• Put any dishes into sink
• Feed Thomas K (my cat) and Holden (my turtle)
Evening:
• Lift weights
o Bicep curls
o Triceps extensions
o Shoulder press
o Chest press
o Lunges
• Brush teeth
• Wash and moisturize face
• Put dirty clothes in the basket
• Clean dishes and tidy up kitchen
• Process all papers
• Refill all water bottles
• Pick up your crap off the floor
• Scoop kitty shitty
• Water plants
• Paint nails with protein polish
Every Saturday:
• Do laundry (Don’t forget bed sheets and dish towels)
• Dust
• Take out trash
• Vacuum
• Blog
• Take off protein polish
• Weigh myself
• Pamper yourself somehow
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