This blog has died. It harbors all the crazy emotional insanity that was last year. I've decided to leave this behind and start a new. I feel like a fresh new person starting a new stage in my life and I don't need to carry all the negativity of these other people with me. If you'd like to follow me on my journey, pick it up at http://samjeanblogs.blogspot.com/. I hope to see you all there. (:
<3 Samantha Jean
Monday, January 12, 2009
Saturday, September 6, 2008
If it takes shit to make bliss...
Well, I feel pretty blissfully.
I'm completely alone again. As you all know, I had one man I was using for his hands and another I was using for his kindness. Both have disappeared. Chet is one I could really care less about losing. I think he realized I was completely distant and emotionless and that I wasn't worth his time. And just as a disclosure: Please, stop reading now if you don't want to lose what respect you have for me.
But, oh, Stephen. I realized that the friendship was one-sided and, stupidly and uncharacteristically, wrote him a letter describing to him just that, also letting him know that I did have feelings for him. I just needed to know where I stood and I needed him to be honest with me and tell me if he really even cared about being friends with me or if I was wasting my time. He wrote me back and told me he'd like to be friends with me, if I could deal with him and his busy schedule. God damn. I would have put up with him and his busy schedule for a fucking eternity. I barely even know him, but Jesus fucking Christ, that millisecond in time that we were hanging out, I felt again. I felt something amazing and beautiful and innocent and uninhibited. I didn't give a shit about the past or anything I had toughened myself up against. I trusted him with what little trust I had left in my stone covered heart. He was... fuck... he was like no one I had ever met in my life. He took everything I knew about all the men I ever met or was involved with and slammed it back in my face. I know I've only lived a short piece of my life and there are billions of other humans on this Earth, but I'm hurting pretty bad right now.
Needless to say, after he told me that he'd like to remain friends with me, he disappeared. I wasn't ready for this. Any of this shit. I didn't want to feel that way for someone yet. I didn't want a fucking rebound, which is what I certainly thought any relationship I was going to have would be. I mean, fuck, Sean and I broke up like 3 months ago. Maybe it did just happen to hammer in the truth one more time that I cannot trust anyone. I just needed it hammered in by a shinier, newer, less obviously emotionally fucked up nail.
What sucks the most is that I didn't even have enough time to figure out that he really was an asshole. So, in my stupid little head, I'm still giving him the benefit of the doubt. No one gets the benefit of the doubt from me. Why? Why am I still thinking something terrible must have happened to him? Why am I still thinking that maybe some of his firefighter buddies convinced him that it was bad news to remain friends with a girl that likes you? Why am I still thinking that maybe, just maybe he lost his cell phone?
Regardless, I give up. The used is now going to be the user. I'm done dating assholes off the fucking internet. There is a reason they are there, but then I also went to the internet to find guys that weren't all the assholes that I found at parties. I don't want a fucking connection. I don't want love. I am fucking dead inside. Return of the emotionless party girl is here.
I'm completely alone again. As you all know, I had one man I was using for his hands and another I was using for his kindness. Both have disappeared. Chet is one I could really care less about losing. I think he realized I was completely distant and emotionless and that I wasn't worth his time. And just as a disclosure: Please, stop reading now if you don't want to lose what respect you have for me.
But, oh, Stephen. I realized that the friendship was one-sided and, stupidly and uncharacteristically, wrote him a letter describing to him just that, also letting him know that I did have feelings for him. I just needed to know where I stood and I needed him to be honest with me and tell me if he really even cared about being friends with me or if I was wasting my time. He wrote me back and told me he'd like to be friends with me, if I could deal with him and his busy schedule. God damn. I would have put up with him and his busy schedule for a fucking eternity. I barely even know him, but Jesus fucking Christ, that millisecond in time that we were hanging out, I felt again. I felt something amazing and beautiful and innocent and uninhibited. I didn't give a shit about the past or anything I had toughened myself up against. I trusted him with what little trust I had left in my stone covered heart. He was... fuck... he was like no one I had ever met in my life. He took everything I knew about all the men I ever met or was involved with and slammed it back in my face. I know I've only lived a short piece of my life and there are billions of other humans on this Earth, but I'm hurting pretty bad right now.
Needless to say, after he told me that he'd like to remain friends with me, he disappeared. I wasn't ready for this. Any of this shit. I didn't want to feel that way for someone yet. I didn't want a fucking rebound, which is what I certainly thought any relationship I was going to have would be. I mean, fuck, Sean and I broke up like 3 months ago. Maybe it did just happen to hammer in the truth one more time that I cannot trust anyone. I just needed it hammered in by a shinier, newer, less obviously emotionally fucked up nail.
What sucks the most is that I didn't even have enough time to figure out that he really was an asshole. So, in my stupid little head, I'm still giving him the benefit of the doubt. No one gets the benefit of the doubt from me. Why? Why am I still thinking something terrible must have happened to him? Why am I still thinking that maybe some of his firefighter buddies convinced him that it was bad news to remain friends with a girl that likes you? Why am I still thinking that maybe, just maybe he lost his cell phone?
Regardless, I give up. The used is now going to be the user. I'm done dating assholes off the fucking internet. There is a reason they are there, but then I also went to the internet to find guys that weren't all the assholes that I found at parties. I don't want a fucking connection. I don't want love. I am fucking dead inside. Return of the emotionless party girl is here.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Karma
Oh how quickly we forget...
Lauren's always telling me that something awesome is going to happen to me because I have such good karma, because I am always trying to help people. For a moment there I thought, "Damn, I am a pretty good person. I should have something nice coming for me pretty soon."
But then I checked my stupid Truth Box on Myspace today. I installed that stupid application because I wanted to feel warm and happy, because I saw all the sweet comments Bibi got on there. Of course, mine is filled with "ur ugly"s and "u look like a dude"s and an "i hate u for what u did u dumb bitch." How quickly one can forget that she treated everyone like shit once upon a time.
I'll make a real post once I kick this depression bullshit out of my head. I need to fix myself... again.
Lauren's always telling me that something awesome is going to happen to me because I have such good karma, because I am always trying to help people. For a moment there I thought, "Damn, I am a pretty good person. I should have something nice coming for me pretty soon."
But then I checked my stupid Truth Box on Myspace today. I installed that stupid application because I wanted to feel warm and happy, because I saw all the sweet comments Bibi got on there. Of course, mine is filled with "ur ugly"s and "u look like a dude"s and an "i hate u for what u did u dumb bitch." How quickly one can forget that she treated everyone like shit once upon a time.
I'll make a real post once I kick this depression bullshit out of my head. I need to fix myself... again.
Friday, August 8, 2008
All Hands Quarterly Meeting
Yesterday was the quarterly company-wide meeting at Alamo Drafthouse, called All Hands. It started at 8AM and I haven't gotten up before 10AM the past couple of weeks to go to work, since I've been working on the CEO's photos and trying to have a social life which keeps me up all night long. Anyways, as if by some miracle of baby Jesus, I woke up yesterday. I get there and there are free breakfast tacos and whatever the hell you want to order from Alamo is on the house. The meeting is from 8-3:30 though, which is looooonng. All the departments make funny videos or wear costumes or act out skits to go along with their powerpoints. Most departments highlight all the new members of their department, their growth, what they've been up too, what their goals in the future are, thank people from other departments, etc etc etc.
After sitting through quite a few departments talk about their people, it was finally time for the marketing department to get up there and strut their shit. Except all they talked about was the Social Commerce Summit and the product management team. The design team, evidently, doesn't exist. Sam, the CMO, went through at the beginning and mentioned the three newest people in the department, assuming everyone had already met the rest. Well, thanks a lot, dickweed. I would just like the tiniest bit of recognition.
Not only were the designers not mentioned by our own department, NO ONE else mentioned us. Sales, where would you be without sales mockups? Implementation, you obviously have a low staff issue. How would you like to take on all the initial stylings we do for you? And god forbid, you'd all have to learn to use Photoshop to make your own graphics and buttons instead of dumping it all on Litsa and I. Recruiting, it is not by some divine miracle that the jobs get posted on the website. Brett, how in the hell does a high tech company run without a website?
Moral of the story is that we are fucking underappreciated and it puts me in a grumpy mood. ): I'm also obsessed with Jeff Buckley right now, which does not put me in a grumpy mood, but it does make me feel sentimental or bluesy. I love Jeff Buckley. <3
After sitting through quite a few departments talk about their people, it was finally time for the marketing department to get up there and strut their shit. Except all they talked about was the Social Commerce Summit and the product management team. The design team, evidently, doesn't exist. Sam, the CMO, went through at the beginning and mentioned the three newest people in the department, assuming everyone had already met the rest. Well, thanks a lot, dickweed. I would just like the tiniest bit of recognition.
Not only were the designers not mentioned by our own department, NO ONE else mentioned us. Sales, where would you be without sales mockups? Implementation, you obviously have a low staff issue. How would you like to take on all the initial stylings we do for you? And god forbid, you'd all have to learn to use Photoshop to make your own graphics and buttons instead of dumping it all on Litsa and I. Recruiting, it is not by some divine miracle that the jobs get posted on the website. Brett, how in the hell does a high tech company run without a website?
Moral of the story is that we are fucking underappreciated and it puts me in a grumpy mood. ): I'm also obsessed with Jeff Buckley right now, which does not put me in a grumpy mood, but it does make me feel sentimental or bluesy. I love Jeff Buckley. <3
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Week 13: In Review
The drama llama has made a stop in my village. Well, it's not that there is actual drama, just internal conflict that might turn into drama if I don't watch out for myself. So I met this guy named Chet, who is a lanky, squirrely guy that went to college in Montreal. I met him off the dating website. We originally planned to be normal and hang out tonight, but Monday night he go too drunk to ride his bike home from work so I, nicely, went to pick him up. He gets off work at 2am because he DJs at a strip club. I took him home. We hung out in his backyard and chit chatted a bit. We ended up making out and moving it into his bedroom. No, I didn't fuck him. But, he did know how to do some shit that was the most intense thing I have ever felt in my life. I was literally suspended in an orgasm for like 10 minutes and never got the fuck off. Anyways. Good fun. He didn't kick my ass out afterwards either, so I had my first sleep over at a guy's house experience.
By Tuesday, I was wondering why Stephen just dropped off the face of the Earth after we couldn't hang out on Sunday, so I texted him and asked just that. I immediately got a call back from a very somber, quiet Stephen. I asked him what was wrong and after a little bit of talking got him to tell me what was up. The poor boy witnessed his first DOA where some dude got burned alive in his car. I talked with him a little bit about it and had a really sinking, selfish feeling in my stomach afterwards. Blegh.
Right after this happened, Chet booty texts me. I think a transcript is in order so you can all get the full effect:
Chet: "I have to work 2marrow, but want to come by and do a repeat of last night? Except earlier bedtime haha"
Me: "Tonight? Or tomorrow?"
Chet: "Tonight babe"
Me: "I'd have to be short if i and [went] over tonight. I have to finish this work for tomorrow. Could we get together tomorrow after the movie?"
Me: "Herro?"
Chet: "Whoops i didn't know we were planned 4 wed, i told my friend yes 4 friday, sorry!"
Me: "No no i meant after i get out of the movie. I remembered you were seeing it on friday."
Chet: "My one chance to sleep! I just had a panic attack, need to go to sleep asap! bike ride takes like 2 hours too :("
Me: "Are you going to be ok? Can you ride to a bus stop or something?"
Chet: "Nothing is running, i will taxi in the am i guess, i'm going to die! I wish i could sleep outside"
Me: "What is wrong? Why are you panicking?"
Chet: "Lack of sleep gives me panic attacks, i need to sleep!
Me: "I'll come get you. But i cannot stay because i have work to do."
So anyways. Moral of the story is that I'm too nice and he's a probs a basketcase. Oh, but it gets better. On my way to go get him I stopped to get gas and found out that I had a nail in the tire of my rental car. I slowly make my way down to the strip club to pick him up out in the middle of BFE at 1AM and give him a call. He answers and, of course, sounds perfectly fine and also tells me that he thought I knew that he got off at 2. I now have an hour to waste at a stupid strip club out in BFE and a nail in my tire, so I call AAA to come visit me and change my tire. That took them like 5 seconds and then I just passed out until Chet got off work at 2:30AM. I quickly went to drop him off at his house listening to the soundtrack of all the sorries, babes, thank yous and I'll make this up to yous in the universe on repeat in my right ear. We made out in my car for a little bit and then he took his happy ass inside. He i.m.ed me later saying, "Your niceness is unsurpassed." My reply was, "It's my fatal flaw."
This all worried me though. Boys do not call. Boys do not want to hang out. Boys do not call me babe. I thought he was looking for something serious, and I definitely could not see it going there with him and I didn't want him to get hurt. Evidently, Chet just plays by a completely different set of rules. We were chatting last night and he randomly goes, "I just wanted to let you know (nothing about you) that I'm not looking for anything serious right now." I replied with, "Thank god." Yet, he continued to go on justifying himself as if I actually cared. That was kind of funny. I got to explain to him exactly who he was dealing with and that he didn't have to worry about my ass getting clingy. That took a lot of worrying off my shoulders.
As far as the things that this summer of change blog is normally about, currently I haven't been to the gym in a week, nor have I slept, and my apartment is completely trashed. I need to do some cleansing this weekend and refocus.
By Tuesday, I was wondering why Stephen just dropped off the face of the Earth after we couldn't hang out on Sunday, so I texted him and asked just that. I immediately got a call back from a very somber, quiet Stephen. I asked him what was wrong and after a little bit of talking got him to tell me what was up. The poor boy witnessed his first DOA where some dude got burned alive in his car. I talked with him a little bit about it and had a really sinking, selfish feeling in my stomach afterwards. Blegh.
Right after this happened, Chet booty texts me. I think a transcript is in order so you can all get the full effect:
Chet: "I have to work 2marrow, but want to come by and do a repeat of last night? Except earlier bedtime haha"
Me: "Tonight? Or tomorrow?"
Chet: "Tonight babe"
Me: "I'd have to be short if i and [went] over tonight. I have to finish this work for tomorrow. Could we get together tomorrow after the movie?"
Me: "Herro?"
Chet: "Whoops i didn't know we were planned 4 wed, i told my friend yes 4 friday, sorry!"
Me: "No no i meant after i get out of the movie. I remembered you were seeing it on friday."
Chet: "My one chance to sleep! I just had a panic attack, need to go to sleep asap! bike ride takes like 2 hours too :("
Me: "Are you going to be ok? Can you ride to a bus stop or something?"
Chet: "Nothing is running, i will taxi in the am i guess, i'm going to die! I wish i could sleep outside"
Me: "What is wrong? Why are you panicking?"
Chet: "Lack of sleep gives me panic attacks, i need to sleep!
Me: "I'll come get you. But i cannot stay because i have work to do."
So anyways. Moral of the story is that I'm too nice and he's a probs a basketcase. Oh, but it gets better. On my way to go get him I stopped to get gas and found out that I had a nail in the tire of my rental car. I slowly make my way down to the strip club to pick him up out in the middle of BFE at 1AM and give him a call. He answers and, of course, sounds perfectly fine and also tells me that he thought I knew that he got off at 2. I now have an hour to waste at a stupid strip club out in BFE and a nail in my tire, so I call AAA to come visit me and change my tire. That took them like 5 seconds and then I just passed out until Chet got off work at 2:30AM. I quickly went to drop him off at his house listening to the soundtrack of all the sorries, babes, thank yous and I'll make this up to yous in the universe on repeat in my right ear. We made out in my car for a little bit and then he took his happy ass inside. He i.m.ed me later saying, "Your niceness is unsurpassed." My reply was, "It's my fatal flaw."
This all worried me though. Boys do not call. Boys do not want to hang out. Boys do not call me babe. I thought he was looking for something serious, and I definitely could not see it going there with him and I didn't want him to get hurt. Evidently, Chet just plays by a completely different set of rules. We were chatting last night and he randomly goes, "I just wanted to let you know (nothing about you) that I'm not looking for anything serious right now." I replied with, "Thank god." Yet, he continued to go on justifying himself as if I actually cared. That was kind of funny. I got to explain to him exactly who he was dealing with and that he didn't have to worry about my ass getting clingy. That took a lot of worrying off my shoulders.
As far as the things that this summer of change blog is normally about, currently I haven't been to the gym in a week, nor have I slept, and my apartment is completely trashed. I need to do some cleansing this weekend and refocus.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Week 12 and E'rythang Else: In Review
HO. LY. SHIT.
Slacking much we have been. This past month has flown by like a damn whirlwind and that is all I have felt the entire time. I've been pulled and pushed in so many different directions. I haven't spent one weekend to myself all month long. It's a little intense. Whew... Let me guide you through my adventures and mishaps.
Don't DIAF, TIA:
My first section will pertain to a fellow I have met on the internet. He messaged me soon after the incident with Mr. Douchebag McGee and I was just like, "Ugh, fucking sexy ass beefcake firefighter, but probably a fucking clamhat-seeking douchewad." I promptly made my profile as bitter as possible and posted a picture showing the universe just how big my ass really is. And he still messaged me. Then I decided he was probably dumb as shit and after making out with him, I would just cast him aside. Then we talked on the phone... and it was semi awkward, so I thought "That's it. He's totally not going to want to talk to me again." And he still messaged me. So I talked with him on the phone the next night about cars and how mine had a tail light busted out. He offered to come over and fix it, if I didn't think that was crazy. I didn't so he came over and we had a fabulous trip to Wal-mart... because I am that kind of classy. He was actually cool and knew how to fix everything in the universe. Anyways, so after he saw me IRL i expected that to be the end of it... but, noooo, he messaged me when he got home. So then I invited him to the 90s Alternative Sing Along with some of my peeps...
90s Alternative Sing-Along:
What gives me a GIANT RAGING LADYBONER? Oh yeah, 90s alternative music. This was originally going to be an "invite all my friends/ try to get into the pants of the Smashing Pumpkins-obsessed British fellow I work with" night. Then I decided that Al, the Brit, was flaky and only liked miniature blonde people, so I didn't give a shit about him anymore. I invited Stephen, the firefighter, because in his first message to me he told me he had the Smashing Pumpkins heart logo tattooed in the middle of his back. So obvs, he's a 90s alt fan. So Lauren, Bibi, Patrick, Stephen and I all headed out to the Alamo Drafthouse for a fun night of awesomeness. They played two Smashing Pumpkins songs! And Stephen wanted to go up and dance on stage for Blind Melon so all my friends got on stage and we all danced our asses off and it was sooooo fun. It was truly a fucking awesome night. At the end of it Lauren and Stephen and I went back to my place and Lauren promptly left with Stephen soon after, leaving me with a hug and thoughts that maybe we are just friends.
Enter Del Rio:
After all those shenanigans, I drove to Del Rio to visit my favorite Eva. We had some girly times the first night and the second night was made of crazy. We went to Mexico and got beyond shitfaced. At one point in time we were in a bar and Eva was kissing on this dude that she was with and then we started making out. Definitely an experience. haha. We went back to Del Rio that night and I promptly went into Eva's bedroom and passed the fuck out, only to wake up a while later making out with someone and being groped. My immediate reaction was not what most people's would be. I was all into it and made out with him all the while groping in the dark trying to figure out who in the hell I was making out with. When he asked me if I had a condom, I immediately declined, because though I am slutty enough to make out with a faceless, nameless stranger in the dark, I am still a virgin... barely. I then asked him his name and found out it was just some guy I had never met before. We messed around a little bit more and he left when it was still dark so I didn't know what he looked like until I looked him up on facebook the next morning. He was definitely not someone I would have picked out of a room of people to mess around with, but he was decent. I didn't throw up in my mouth or anything about it.
Everyone Come to Austin! Wait... WHOA:
So the next weekend, everyone came to visit. I, for one, was super excited... until I realized that all hell was breaking loose and I had to show all these people (including an unexpected Mikey) around town and had to keep Patrick and Brandon off Eva's nuts and omgholyshitfuckwhat STREEESSSSSSSSSS. So the night that everyone got down here I ended up having a slight breakdown. After that, I was ok and everything was good. I was just a little stressed that first night. Something did come out of that crazy ass visit, but I'll touch on that in a bit.
Home Sweet Home:
Last weekend was spent in the lovely town of Huffman with my sister and our buddy Dave Green. I got retarded every night. Personally, I think we had a really fun visit. I ended up staying an extra night to hang out and have fun. Nothing really, really exciting happened except in my altered state I learned how to walk like I didn't have any legs and scared the shit out of my sister. I love her. (:
When a Man and Woman Love Each Other Very Much:
THEY GET COMMITTED ALL OVER THE GOD DAMN PLACE. Holy Christ on lollerskates. My old roommate Amy got engaged. Lauren is in a relationship... or a fucklationship... or an awesomedates+sexlationship. As a result of that weekend in Austin, Eva and Brandon are hanging out somewhere off the market. Jenna has chosen monogamy over threesomes. The dynamic is shifting. More and more I notice that my friends are becoming more willing to commit and be monogamous and I keep noticing that I am friends with a lot more married/engaged people. Is it really that time in my life? Guess, I missed the commitment train when it bulleted past me. More like I was on it for five seconds and then was like "WTF I have no ticket!" and got tossed off. But god damn did that little ride teach me some things. I've completely gotten over any feelings I had for Sean. We are friends now and I see him as a brother. As much love as we shared, we cannot communicate and anything between us cannot work out. I feel like the reason he stepped into my romantic life briefly was to teach me some things:
Coming up:
Ah yes. What's coming up? I've got a camping trip planned out this weekend with Eva, Brandon, Patrick, Lauren, and hopefully my little sister. I also may or may not (third time's a charm?) go hot tubbing with Stephen on Thursday. I also chatted with him the last night about pr0n and fetishes. I don't really know what's up with that. But god damn it next weekend I am refinishing my coffee table and going to the lake or something. I need some me time.
Slacking much we have been. This past month has flown by like a damn whirlwind and that is all I have felt the entire time. I've been pulled and pushed in so many different directions. I haven't spent one weekend to myself all month long. It's a little intense. Whew... Let me guide you through my adventures and mishaps.
Don't DIAF, TIA:
My first section will pertain to a fellow I have met on the internet. He messaged me soon after the incident with Mr. Douchebag McGee and I was just like, "Ugh, fucking sexy ass beefcake firefighter, but probably a fucking clamhat-seeking douchewad." I promptly made my profile as bitter as possible and posted a picture showing the universe just how big my ass really is. And he still messaged me. Then I decided he was probably dumb as shit and after making out with him, I would just cast him aside. Then we talked on the phone... and it was semi awkward, so I thought "That's it. He's totally not going to want to talk to me again." And he still messaged me. So I talked with him on the phone the next night about cars and how mine had a tail light busted out. He offered to come over and fix it, if I didn't think that was crazy. I didn't so he came over and we had a fabulous trip to Wal-mart... because I am that kind of classy. He was actually cool and knew how to fix everything in the universe. Anyways, so after he saw me IRL i expected that to be the end of it... but, noooo, he messaged me when he got home. So then I invited him to the 90s Alternative Sing Along with some of my peeps...
90s Alternative Sing-Along:
What gives me a GIANT RAGING LADYBONER? Oh yeah, 90s alternative music. This was originally going to be an "invite all my friends/ try to get into the pants of the Smashing Pumpkins-obsessed British fellow I work with" night. Then I decided that Al, the Brit, was flaky and only liked miniature blonde people, so I didn't give a shit about him anymore. I invited Stephen, the firefighter, because in his first message to me he told me he had the Smashing Pumpkins heart logo tattooed in the middle of his back. So obvs, he's a 90s alt fan. So Lauren, Bibi, Patrick, Stephen and I all headed out to the Alamo Drafthouse for a fun night of awesomeness. They played two Smashing Pumpkins songs! And Stephen wanted to go up and dance on stage for Blind Melon so all my friends got on stage and we all danced our asses off and it was sooooo fun. It was truly a fucking awesome night. At the end of it Lauren and Stephen and I went back to my place and Lauren promptly left with Stephen soon after, leaving me with a hug and thoughts that maybe we are just friends.
Enter Del Rio:
After all those shenanigans, I drove to Del Rio to visit my favorite Eva. We had some girly times the first night and the second night was made of crazy. We went to Mexico and got beyond shitfaced. At one point in time we were in a bar and Eva was kissing on this dude that she was with and then we started making out. Definitely an experience. haha. We went back to Del Rio that night and I promptly went into Eva's bedroom and passed the fuck out, only to wake up a while later making out with someone and being groped. My immediate reaction was not what most people's would be. I was all into it and made out with him all the while groping in the dark trying to figure out who in the hell I was making out with. When he asked me if I had a condom, I immediately declined, because though I am slutty enough to make out with a faceless, nameless stranger in the dark, I am still a virgin... barely. I then asked him his name and found out it was just some guy I had never met before. We messed around a little bit more and he left when it was still dark so I didn't know what he looked like until I looked him up on facebook the next morning. He was definitely not someone I would have picked out of a room of people to mess around with, but he was decent. I didn't throw up in my mouth or anything about it.
Everyone Come to Austin! Wait... WHOA:
So the next weekend, everyone came to visit. I, for one, was super excited... until I realized that all hell was breaking loose and I had to show all these people (including an unexpected Mikey) around town and had to keep Patrick and Brandon off Eva's nuts and omgholyshitfuckwhat STREEESSSSSSSSSS. So the night that everyone got down here I ended up having a slight breakdown. After that, I was ok and everything was good. I was just a little stressed that first night. Something did come out of that crazy ass visit, but I'll touch on that in a bit.
Home Sweet Home:
Last weekend was spent in the lovely town of Huffman with my sister and our buddy Dave Green. I got retarded every night. Personally, I think we had a really fun visit. I ended up staying an extra night to hang out and have fun. Nothing really, really exciting happened except in my altered state I learned how to walk like I didn't have any legs and scared the shit out of my sister. I love her. (:
When a Man and Woman Love Each Other Very Much:
THEY GET COMMITTED ALL OVER THE GOD DAMN PLACE. Holy Christ on lollerskates. My old roommate Amy got engaged. Lauren is in a relationship... or a fucklationship... or an awesomedates+sexlationship. As a result of that weekend in Austin, Eva and Brandon are hanging out somewhere off the market. Jenna has chosen monogamy over threesomes. The dynamic is shifting. More and more I notice that my friends are becoming more willing to commit and be monogamous and I keep noticing that I am friends with a lot more married/engaged people. Is it really that time in my life? Guess, I missed the commitment train when it bulleted past me. More like I was on it for five seconds and then was like "WTF I have no ticket!" and got tossed off. But god damn did that little ride teach me some things. I've completely gotten over any feelings I had for Sean. We are friends now and I see him as a brother. As much love as we shared, we cannot communicate and anything between us cannot work out. I feel like the reason he stepped into my romantic life briefly was to teach me some things:
- I can do better than the guys I was biding my time with before him.
- I proved that I can stand up for myself and my independence even when I am caught up in love.
- I realized that I was not treating my body or my life how it should be treated.
- I finally got closure on that chapter of my life.
- And it got me to start actively dating again.
Coming up:
Ah yes. What's coming up? I've got a camping trip planned out this weekend with Eva, Brandon, Patrick, Lauren, and hopefully my little sister. I also may or may not (third time's a charm?) go hot tubbing with Stephen on Thursday. I also chatted with him the last night about pr0n and fetishes. I don't really know what's up with that. But god damn it next weekend I am refinishing my coffee table and going to the lake or something. I need some me time.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Dreams
The other day, I took a nap while skipping boxing. In this dream, I was in a library and I ran into my friend Bubba. Bubba has been dead for almost 4 years now. In my dream, he told me he's been living in Austin for the past three years and does bike repair. In my dream, I had to explain to someone with me, who was wondering why I was freaking out, that he was my friend that I thought had died 4 years ago. When my alarm went off, I shot out of bed and felt really, really weird and unsettled. The only other dream I have ever had about Bubba was a couple of months after he died. Bibi said it is his way of visiting me. Eva says it is my subconscious telling me that he's always been with me. I don't interpret dreams, but I feel like it was just a reminder that I need to live my life for myself and my own happiness, because it's the only one I have. I feel like it was also something to give me a little extra strength at this crazy time in my life.
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