Week Six and Seven: In Review

I feel like I have been riding a slow and steady boat to insanity. My weight has stagnated at 236. I've had a few thoughts of driving my car off something high, that have been a tad bit more than the usual, "OMG what if?" I've had a very strong desire to just go out into the woods and live in recluse for a little while and not have to deal with the bullshit that is my everyday life. I blacked out the other night having a panic attack thinking about all of this shit going on in my head. I feel like what once was progress has now been thrown into a rapid regression. Let me elaborate.

The Problem:

On the outside, I must say, I put together a pretty good suit for me to don in front of the public. Hell, it's so good and believable I fool myself. Calm, cool, collected. Everything is fine with little ol' me. I'm working and staying busy. Going on dates and making new friends. Oh, and all that that happened with Sean? Just a little hiccup in my life. Didn't affect me at all! Why would it? That would just be silly and irrational. Don't worry about me.

I am not sure whether it is the fact that I have gotten so ridiculously good about hiding my emotion or whether my friends don't want to ask about it because they don't want to upset me or whether it's just that they don't recognize, through all the shit that is going on with themselves, that this boy that I assumed I would end up marrying... this boy that was the only male in the entire universe that existed to me... this boy that gave my stone heart a couple of pumps of life dumping me like a worthless whore might have been a little fucking traumatizing. Is it too much to ask yourselves how many times you've seen Samantha Jean Soper not be a completely cynical, bitter, man-hating bitch? How many times have you seen her show real love for the opposite sex? The answer is once, people. And something that could evoke that insane amount of change had to be pretty fucking prolific, am I right? And it's completely normal for her to just go from having that hope that she might fucking be able to feel something for another human ripped out from under her feet to being completely normal and ok, right? Yeah, that is completely fucking logical. Everyone I've ever met acts like nothing happened after they get dumped. I've never had to calm or hold or hug or vent or talk any of you out of the insanity of a breakup or a big fight with your significant other or bouts of depression or jealousy or feelings that your life is falling apart... because everyone always acts like nothing is happening. And that right there, my friends, is called bullshit.

The truth is I don't know how to freak out. I don't know how to show people that I am not doing ok. I don't know how to not feel like I am burdening everyone with my problems because they all have their own. This is me reaching out. I just want someone to fucking recognize that something fucking happened to me and simply ask me if I'm doing ok. I am not a proactive bitcher and moaner. I put a pretty, nice, happy face forward and hope that it hides (and it usually does) the fact that I am crumbling to bits inside from everyone... even myself.

But such is not the reality of my situation. Therefore, I've been wanting to runaway. I wanted to go camping alone this weekend to shut everyone and everything out of my life so I could concentrate on myself. That didn't happen though, because my family flipped out saying I couldn't go alone and then Todd and Kristin did some research and found out that we probably wouldn't be able to get a spot anyways. My weekend instead consisted of helping Bibi move in and restringing my guitars to sell them. I did go to the lake today, alone, and had some epiphanies.

The Epiphanies:

It was the perfect way to spend a lonely Sunday afternoon. I spent most of my time at the lake swimming around, basking in the sun, and reading. I got Susan Powter's book Politics of Stupid a couple of weeks ago in hopes that it would give me some motivation. It was perfect to read today and brought some light to my current issues.

"If someone you love is unwell, what do you do?"

That shit right there sums everything up, but not in the way that you would think. When someone I love is unwell, I do everything in my power to try to help them, remedy their situation, get them through it, sometimes to a fault. In my help, I have said this to all of my friends a billion times over. You have to put yourself first and love yourself more than any other. Yet, what am I doing. Ignoring the fact that I am the person that I love that needs fucking help right now. It doesn't matter how many times I've said it to other people, this was the first thing I forgot when I was in need of it. I need to stop dealing with everyone else's shit and put my own shit first. Trade my habitual selflessness for a little bit of selfishness just to get myself through this slump. Just a warning to everyone. I may seem a little reclusive the next few weeks, but it's all just to get my normal self back.

The second epiphany is that my weight has stagnated because I only exercise three times a week. My original plan was to do it a lot more, but doing it three times a week was working... for a little bit. What was actually working was the fact that I went from consuming tons of shit and being completely immobile to working out and eating healthy. My body has gotten used to it though, so it's time to step it up a notch. I need to start working out two more days a week. That's all it takes. Just two little days and things with my body will move foward again. And I can definitely do that.

My Goals:

Since setting goals tends to help me out a lot, here they are.

• Work out 5-6 times a week. Just and extra hour or two a week.
• Only go out for lunch twice a week.
• Make dinner at home at least 3 days a week.
• Eat only vegan this month.
• Stay on top of taking vitamins.
• Go to boxing 3 times a week... every week. No more skipping.
• Plan an outside activity every weekend.
• Go camping.
• Finish Politics of Stupid and Better Single than Sorry.
• Get your apartment clean again.
  
• Carve out an hour everyday to disconnect from everything and focus on you.

I'm going to just leave you all with this. It pretty much made my night.

Week Five: In Review

This sucks. My cat is in "rehab" at my parents house. He had an addiction to destroying my carpet with his tiny claws. Before you get all, "Brawr! That's inhumane. You're vegan! WTF?!?!" my cat has probably caused upwards of $600 something in damage to my carpets in my rented apartment. If I owned a home, I probably wouldn't give a shit, but I don't own this apartment and will be paying for the damage when I leave. I've also just witnessed my mother's three other cats get declawed and they didn't change at all. They are still able to jump up on the fridge and shit like they used to. Thomas also does not go outside. He'll be fucking fine.

Aside from that, I feel like everything is falling apart. My weight this past Saturday was 236. I haven't been eating very vegan lately and have felt all gassy and bloated and shit because of it. I've also been eating lots of shitty food like veggie burgers and fries and giant carb fests. ): My apartment is getting messy again and the flowers that I bought the other day that I have yet to plant are already dying. I need to plant those tonight. And that Rob guy never messaged me back... as expected. I went clothes shopping yesterday to get some cute dresses or something and found nothing. I ripped the seam trying on a skirt at Old Navy with my huge ass and everything just made me feel like a big fat nasty and looked like shit on me, except for a pair of Steve Madden wedges that were on sale. Yay for shoes! I'll post pictures of them later.

After shopping last night, I went on another date. This one was TERRIBLE. I assumed it would be from the brief exchanges with the fellow because his words permeated with pretentious ass hole. His pictures were cute though so I decided if anything we could have a battle of the pretentiousness and it would be kind of funny. First off, he's 31. Nothing really to say about that, only that it is 10 years older than me. Secondly, he's a graphic artist. Well, I'm a graphic designer, we should have stuff to talk about around that right? Unless we are talking about how shitty his work is and how it lacks depth or perception or even any faint glimmer of artistic talent, I have nothing to say. Can you see that furry piece of shit he drew? He's pretentious about that piece of shit. What the hell is wrong with him? Anyways, yet another opportunity for me to go on this date and lol my ass off about it afterwards. Thirdly, we finally meet up and I am greeted by a fucking troll. Someone took a rock to this mother fucker and smashed his upper body down into his ass. Definitely not what I was expecting from his pictures. Fourthly, the conversation was fucking terrible. It was extremely stilted and pretty much one-sided. I'd ask him general questions, like "What do you do for fun?" and listen to him ramble on ENDLESSLY about what he does, then finish and look at me, in silence, with this retarded smirk on his face and a cocked eyebrow, like a shitty little dog waiting for you to play some retarded fucking fetch with it. Welcome to the Harris O'Malley tells his life story show. I'm-running-out-of-lys-ly, he has the gall to fucking judge me and roll his eyes after almost everything I said. Upon my explanation of my veganism being based on a book, he asked, "Oh, was it Fast Food Nation or The Omnivore's Dilemma?" I said, "Neither, it was a book called Skinny Bitch." HE FUCKING ROLLED HIS EYES AT ME! Anyways, the date came to a near abrupt halt when he called Halliburton satan's incarnate (in reference to Sean being a completely soulless asshole for working there) and said, "I'm so liberal, I make Ghandi look like a Nazi." Oh! Well, excuse me while I liberally break my FUCKING FOOT OFF IN YOUR ASS, YOU PRETENTIOUS PIECE OF SHIT!!! It is no fucking wonder that you are 31 and live with two cats alone in a fucking house. You are a social fucktard and I hope your deck collapses and you get stabbed in the chest with your fucking Wacom pen! The world needs less of YOU!

So now... as if I couldn't have been more bitter towards the male specimen... we've got fucking boys who don't really care, boys who don't message, and boys who are social fucktards and judge you every 5 seconds. UGH.

I have a photo shoot tonight and I hope that puts me in a better, less fat and ugly, mood... ):

I just had...

the best fucking night I have had in a long, long time. What's funny is that around 9:30 driving home bawling my eyes out, I thought it was going to be the worst.

Then while fucking around on OKCupid I get a little IM from a fellow named Rob, a fresh transplant to Austin from Chicago. I also got a couple of messages from a fine ass Italian and a fine ass Korean... but Rob was the first to IM me and looked the most harmless. He was actually kind of dorky looking from his pictures, so I figured we'd just go to Kerbey Lane and hang out for a bit and then I'd head back home. I get to Kerbey Lane and find out that this mother fucker is fine. We ate some food and he paid like a god damn gentleman. We had some really good conversation and then he invited me to his place to "watch some comedy central." I was like ok and followed him to his place nervous as shit, gritting my teeth. We watched some TV and then fucking made out and it was AMAZING. Homeboy knows what the hell he is doing. Whew. I left his place at about 3am. I don't know if he'll talk to me again, but I really don't even care because last night was just that fucking awesome.

In my post-make out bliss, I tried to call all my bitches. Lauren was partying in San Antonio and was very excited. Bibi was down Spicewood Springs and invited me on a late night adventure. Dick, Mariah, Bibi and myself jammed out to tunes with the windows rolled down and drove to Mount Bonnell. After hanging out there for a while, we took a scenic route to a little creek and we hung out putting our toes in the water. Everything was fucking perfect. I got home at 5:30 and took a shower and am now getting ready for work. I hope there are more nights like this to come.

Nothing makes everything all better...

...more than a teeny tiny pig in some teeny tiny boots.

OMFG CUTE.

Week Four: In Review

Well, last week brought to close the first of many exciting months to come. My weekly weigh-in presented me with a 233, which means I have lost 17 pounds this month. I've transformed my eating eating habits, cleaned my entire apartment and kept it that way, and am still working on getting my time organized. I had a pretty epic fucking break-up last week, but shit happens and there is no use crying over spilled milk. In an effort to cleanse my life of negativity, someone left who I really loved. It just goes to show the lack of support he had for me. Hopefully, we can be mature and be friends after this... but so far he isn't doing a very good job. Typical.

I spent some much needed time this weekend with my family and was in Houston for my little sister's graduation. She walked across the stage to get her diploma and raised the roof. She is so awesome. We spent a lot of time chit chatting and talking about how growing up is some weird shit. We called up our friend Dave Green and hung out with him for a while and had lots of laughs, ate delicious food and watched V for Vendetta, finding that on a second watch with our friend Dave, that movie is intensely amazing. I left Houston last night with my grandparents in tow. We are going to go to Mansfield Dam today to go swimming and have a picnic. We plan on going to Oasis tonight for a nice dinner. They are only staying for a day, but it's exciting to have some family at my apartment.

Sometime this week, I have a photo shoot with Katie Cowden (see her portfolio here) and have been getting super psyched up for that. I just bought a corset online and have been collecting makeup and such for the shoot. I want to do some that are like burlesque pinup style photos and another that is like robot cyborg with really cool shiny makeup. We'll have to see how that all pans out, but I am exciting. Eva is also coming to visit this weekend hopefully! And I have a slumber party with Jenna. Wooo! Fun times to be had. It's time for me to go get out in the sun. (:

Open Mouth... Insert Foot

"So anyways...
we should probably just be friends."

Sean broke up with me. He said it wasn't working. He said something else about the distance. I was in too much of a shock and trying to choke back the tears because I was at work to pay attention. He didn't have the common decency not to do it while I was working, but whatever. I spent all day brooding over it and just left work furious instead of depressed or sad.

"This just isn't working."

Well, no shit, Sherlock. That's why I wrote you that letter so we could work through it. It's not that it's not working. It's that you don't want to make the effort work through it. You love me more than anything in your entire life, but I'm not worth the effort to work through our issues? I was worth spending shit tons of money on, but not worth spending the effort to make things better? You are cool with me letting you cum into my ass, but you run at the first sight of me letting you come into my head and soul? Since when is that love and respect? Son, I hope you fucking learn to stop treating women like prostitutes.

Yeah, I spoke up for myself. We aren't in high school any more, sweetheart. I have learned from you hurting me before. I learned to speak up for myself. I learned that I have a fucking voice and I don't have to take your bullshit in silence and obedience. And I didn't. And you show me exactly how you are by taking this speaking up for myself and instead of embracing it as something positive, you ran, like a fucking coward.

And what more have I learned about you? NOTHING. You never let me in. I am the one who openly admits that I have a titanium casing more than a couple layers deep over my heart, but I still tried to let you in. You one the other hand had all the love to throw around, but you could never really let me in to see who you truly are. I could never trust you because you never let me fucking see you. You constantly kept an air of mystery about you. No wonder things wouldn't work. We were just slamming two titanium covered wrecking balls of hearts against one another. I open up my heart and head a little and let you know what I am thinking and feeling and you fleed, like a fucking coward.

And my little sister hates you. I was depressing my best friend in the entire fucking world because she thought we were going to get married and last forever. Everyone thought it was going to last. Everyone, that is, but me. It was too fucking good to be true and we just started falling into the same patterns we did in high school. But I made an effort to break the patterns, and you ditched me, like a fucking coward.

I leave you with these words from Alanis, Sean. It just wasn't working out "cause the love that you gave... that we made wasn't able to make it enough for you to be open wide. No."

It's fucking double time, Samantha. Eat, breathe, move, think. You have your life. You have yourself. You have a beautiful fucking sun outside. And, damn girl, you've got some fucking determination.

Week Three: In Review (whew!)

Nothing like a small bout of insanity to set you back on the right track. Whew! I wrote Sean a letter and through writing this letter I realized that I do love and I do love him. I only feel detached from that person I am with him because he is what awakens those feelings. When I am left to my own devices, I suppress all of that. It's just a little confusing to me at times. Plus, I think it had a lot to do with the fact that I was PMSing.

Anyways, enough of that. Everyday is a positive new day and I must carry on as though yesterday was not a step back, only a broken step that I struggled through. The past few days have been a little tough. I've been behind in work, bringing it home and procrastinating on it, hence not sleeping. On top of all the PMSing and not sleeping, I've got a cold. But I am ready to carry on! I weighed myself on Saturday to find that I was 235, but this is natural since I was about to rag it up. I've missed two boxing classes because I have been sick, but am determined to get back in the gym tomorrow, regardless of how I feel. I need to stick to it and I miss getting in there. I learned all the names of the people that I work out with and I know people... esp Jesus Chavez... notice when I'm not there. He gives me shit about it every time he doesn't see me there. I'm going to be missing Friday though because my baby sister is graduating high school! Woot woot!

The cleaning front has not been going so well. I've kept my bedroom pretty clean and I've been sorting through shit in the fridge and pantry and giving things away. I've made a teeny tiny bit of head way on my living room but not as much as I would have liked. I need to get everything nice and tidy by Thursday because my grandparents are coming to visit on Sunday.

I am in love with reggae right now. I have no fucking clue why. I think it's because it's a very summery music. I really want to start getting outside more in the fabulous sunshine reading books or something and listening to reggae. Hellz yes. Also, I just discovered tonight this crazy bitch named Susan Powter. Evidently, she lost like 130 pounds in the 90s and was a very famous infomercial chick. She's very all organic, non-processed, whole foods and of course, vegan. She's also an uber-feminist lesbian. I found an ad for her book perusing a vegan cooking site. Anyways, I looked up some info on her and found her youTube channel and she, though bat shit crazy, has some somewhat inspirational and very interesting videos. Her whole thing is "eat, breathe, move, think."

Doesn't her crazy ass make you want to eat a fucking pear? Anyways, I think that is all for tonight. I need to get me some sleep.