If it takes shit to make bliss...

Well, I feel pretty blissfully.

I'm completely alone again. As you all know, I had one man I was using for his hands and another I was using for his kindness. Both have disappeared. Chet is one I could really care less about losing. I think he realized I was completely distant and emotionless and that I wasn't worth his time. And just as a disclosure: Please, stop reading now if you don't want to lose what respect you have for me.

But, oh, Stephen. I realized that the friendship was one-sided and, stupidly and uncharacteristically, wrote him a letter describing to him just that, also letting him know that I did have feelings for him. I just needed to know where I stood and I needed him to be honest with me and tell me if he really even cared about being friends with me or if I was wasting my time. He wrote me back and told me he'd like to be friends with me, if I could deal with him and his busy schedule. God damn. I would have put up with him and his busy schedule for a fucking eternity. I barely even know him, but Jesus fucking Christ, that millisecond in time that we were hanging out, I felt again. I felt something amazing and beautiful and innocent and uninhibited. I didn't give a shit about the past or anything I had toughened myself up against. I trusted him with what little trust I had left in my stone covered heart. He was... fuck... he was like no one I had ever met in my life. He took everything I knew about all the men I ever met or was involved with and slammed it back in my face. I know I've only lived a short piece of my life and there are billions of other humans on this Earth, but I'm hurting pretty bad right now.

Needless to say, after he told me that he'd like to remain friends with me, he disappeared. I wasn't ready for this. Any of this shit. I didn't want to feel that way for someone yet. I didn't want a fucking rebound, which is what I certainly thought any relationship I was going to have would be. I mean, fuck, Sean and I broke up like 3 months ago. Maybe it did just happen to hammer in the truth one more time that I cannot trust anyone. I just needed it hammered in by a shinier, newer, less obviously emotionally fucked up nail.

What sucks the most is that I didn't even have enough time to figure out that he really was an asshole. So, in my stupid little head, I'm still giving him the benefit of the doubt. No one gets the benefit of the doubt from me. Why? Why am I still thinking something terrible must have happened to him? Why am I still thinking that maybe some of his firefighter buddies convinced him that it was bad news to remain friends with a girl that likes you? Why am I still thinking that maybe, just maybe he lost his cell phone?

Regardless, I give up. The used is now going to be the user. I'm done dating assholes off the fucking internet. There is a reason they are there, but then I also went to the internet to find guys that weren't all the assholes that I found at parties. I don't want a fucking connection. I don't want love. I am fucking dead inside. Return of the emotionless party girl is here.